Friday, March 26, 2010

if grace is an ocean we're all sinking.


You ever get in one of those moods where you're SO blessed, so joyful, so happy about all that life has to offer all you can do is just sit and ponder it all? In silence? Speechless? This is how I've felt lately. God has done phenomenal things in my life... words can't even begin to express it. I am overwhelmed at times of His goodness and faithfulness of my life. Lately all I can do is just sit, gaze, and muster the words "Thank You" to Him.

A few months back, the Lord truly gave me the freedom and strength to forgive someone I used to be very close with. It was hard because I had thought for a while, "Man...I cannot physically forgive this person because I haven't received an apology from them." It was a difficult position to be in. But the Lord truly spoke to me. And the truth of the matter is... we shouldn't NEED an apology just to forgive someone. And I'm not talking about "being the bigger person" because we physically without God can't do that either. I'm talking about looking at Jesus..His death on the cross, which He FREELY gave to us, that is reason enough to freely forgive others when maybe they don't deserve it. It was a hard struggle for me...but God spoke SO clearly one morning. And I remember it like it was yesterday. It was raining, cold, and I was doing my early morning devotions. The topic was forgiveness and it was almost as if the Lord was stern with me that morning. "I'm not suggesting it, I'm not asking you to, I am TELLING YOU, forgive them NOW." I was silenced for a few minutes in total conviction. I knew what I had to do. I closed my book, and prayed for that person. "Lord, ok. I'm sorry. I totally forgive them." It was like I was a totally new person :) God was SO present. It was raining that day and all I could do was dance & sing in the rain because of what God had done through me :) Never in a hundred years did I think on my own I could forgive like that. But with God, all things are possible.

I didn't need that apology from that person, because God's death on the cross is penalty enough for us all... how can He freely die for all of OUR sins without us saying 'sorry' and here I am, not forgiving someone? Didn't add up. Months passed... and a few days ago, that person approached me and apologized for everything. WOW. Is God awesome or what? Now, never in a hundred years did I expect THAT! :) That night I was on my face, weeping before God, thanking Him, praising Him for all He had done in my life.

I'm not saying the stuff I'm going through now with school and stuff is all a bed of roses. But even through the rain and the storm God is TOTALLY preserving, doing an incredible work that only He can do! It only makes me fall more in love with Him. It's in those times where I can't really say much...because I am so amazed and humbled at His feet, that all I can do is be mindful of Him, gaze at His goodness, and bask in His faithfulness.

There's a recent song I got hooked onto by the band Fee and it's called "When Everything Falls Apart". It's an incredible song. I want to share a few verses with you as it has ministered to me so much through this season of my life. And everything it sings about is everything I am certain about. When life is falling apart, God holds it all together. It's crazy! It's like we're in the middle of this horrible tornado of events that just keep knocking us down yet...God shows His beauty and shines it through us in those times. We can't help but to sing and dance because of His goodness :)

"You said You'd never leave or forsake me,
When You said, this life is gonna shake me.
And You said this life is gonna bring trouble on my soul,
This I know.

When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together.
When everything falls apart, You're the only hope for this heart.
When everything falls apart, and my strength is gone,
I find You mighty and strong..You keep holding on...
You keep holding on."


Psalm 31:24

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

storms.


The past few weeks at Encounter have been the hugest blessing. God always shows Himself when I'm there... but He really has spoken to me the past few weeks about what's been going on in my life. In the beginning of the year I remember praying, "Lord, please help and teach me to trust you." hahahaha. Boy is He :) That prayer opened a gateway of circumstances, most unpleasant and difficult, but each yielding to peace and fruit when I surrendered it to the Lord and trusted in His goodness. He never ONCE failed me, or came short of fulfilling what He had for me. It's been hard, but the hugest blessing walking side by side in each horrible circumstance. One of these situations is my math class. God really has been teaching me to trust Him in this. I didn't pass last semester, and I need this class to move on and get my teaching degree. As I failed I was reassured with peace and hope that God knew what He was doing. It wasn't super easy to swallow the fact that I had to re-take the class but God had His hand over the entire situation. This class has been a huge fear factor in my life. Every time I enter the class I am fearful, and every time I leave I am fearful. When I get a test I freeze and lose all sight of what I had learned. The enemy is using fear and anxiety BIG TIME in this season of my life... but I can only cling to the promises of God and what He says about me having "a FUTUTE and a HOPE" (Jeremiah 29:11) It's a struggle and last night at Encounter the message was so perfect.

It was out of Mark 4. The disciples were on a boat in the middle of a huge storm and Jesus was asleep. As the waves tossed back and forth and the rain became unbearable the disciples were absolutely terrified. It says in verse 38, "Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?" Those words pierced me last night. For so long now I have felt just as the disciples felt! I had been drowning over and over again, and I'm like, "Ok, God...where are You? And WHY are You allowing this?" But Jesus wasn't asleep for no reason... He had a plan and a purpose for it all. Towards the end Jesus arose and quieted the sea and everything went calm. Then He went on to say, "Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?"

These words were even WORSE. My love for the Lord is immense... I don't for one second doubt His goodness, yet I fear failure again. I'm reassured because I know that the Lord has a beautiful plan and a wonderful purpose as to why I'm struggling in this season of my life. God hasn't brought me all this way to fail me. Can I trust in Him? That's the lesson I'm learning. I'm learning to trust in Him with friendships, with ministry, with math, with my future, with my husband, with everything that I fear.

It's hard to remain faithful to the Lord when you're dealing with storms... but God isn't doing these things to you... He's doing them to teach you to trust in Him. I know the Lord hasn't brought me all this way to fail me. My life isn't over..my Christian walk isn't faltered, and my hope isn't blown out. The most beautiful part of my walk with Him is just beginning...with this storm in my life. I cannot wait to see how this is going to be used for His glory someday. Because it will. That's the beauty in it all.

Will I fail again? I have no idea. All I can do is surrender it to the Lord and TRUST that He has it all under control. Sometimes I'm not even sure how to surrender it to Him... but I ask and pray He would teach me how to. It's hard when you're faced with storms in life...but God isn't "sleeping" for nothing. He's trying to grow your walk with Him and strengthen you in His love. It's all for a beautiful purpose.

Just trust.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

sweet reminders.


*sigh* God is so good :) As I was on my trip last week for Spring Break I toured the US with 42 incredible people. We were on a bus together for 9 days and we became best friends. Who would have thought? On the very last night of the trip we did an exercise where we went around in a circle and individually looked in each others' eyes.. and said thank you from the heart. It was SO NEAT to see how people truly cared and loved me....even after 9 days.

I think about God and how He loves me SO MUCH that it's the same kind of concept. I could just gaze at His beauty for HOURS and not say thank you enough!!! I'm sure He feels the same about me! I feel like in the season of my life that I am in, I still seem to get fearful and worried about certain things. The desires of my heart seem to be immense at points, and I think satan puts a lie in my mind that says "that won't ever happen. God won't give you that. Look at you." It's awful because I give in to that lie and believe it!!! But that's definitely not from God. In Psalm 37 it says "Delight yourself in the LORD and He will GIVE YOU the DESIRES of your heart." So simple... yet as humans we still fear it.

Last night as I was doing my Daily Light devotional, God reassured His love and grace upon me. It was all about not fearing but trusting the Lord in all things. One verse in particular stuck out at me. It was from Joshua. It reads this:

"You know in all your hearts and in all your souls that not one thing has failed of all the good things which the LORD your God spoke concerning you. All have come to pass for you; not one word of them has failed." - Joshua 23:14


What a beautiful reminder. It is so true, too. As I thought about that.. I couldn't help but think back to the years when I walked away from God, the years when I struggled to keep our relationship alive, the difficulties, obstacles, pressures, fears, heartaches... all the things I went through in my life God has been SO FAITHFUL to promise that He would get me through. And He did. Without even a doubt. Ahh... so awesome. Those simple truths give me the hope to know that God KNOWS the intricate details of our hearts and our desires. Not one thing He has promised has failed to come true. So why am I fearing? He's put these desires in my heart for a reason... and I can already begin to see Him working in my heart to fulfill them. He is such a beautiful God... I am so in love :)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

creation & its Creator.


It's easy to take for granted the creation around us daily. Every season has something beautiful about it, doesn't it? The snow is beautiful once we've gotten sick of months and months of heat. We see the snow as an example of purity, renewing, and freshness. It's a gorgeous sight when we see the snow falling so heavily that it looks like tons and tons of glitter is being splashed all about. Then there comes Spring... and we sure are glad to see it once it hits because we miss flowers, showers, thunderstorms, blue skies, and flip flops :) Spring signifies new seasons... fresh experiences, and we're able to see more and more beauty around us as we look around outside. Sometimes I walk around and don't even realize I'm walking amongst the beautiful creation God has made for us. I used to be a nanny for a family a few years back. One day I took the girls on a stroll down the street on a gorgeous, April afternoon. The the thought occurred to me. "Mikayla, let's play a game. Let's take turns and point out ONE thing you love outside, and thank the Lord for it." It was something so simple as "Thank you Jesus for the color of the sky." How precious :) I need to constantly remind myself that God's beauty is EVERYWHERE. Outside in the trees, the sky, the clouds, the rain, the sunshine, and even the people we see walking to class. God is the Creator of the whole universe. He's created our surroundings and environment and He's especially created US as human beings.

We were created in God's perfect image. This probably doesn't pertain to many guys because they aren't usually the ones with the problem. But in our society today, girls are set at SUCH a high standard as to what they should look like, how they should dress, how skinny they should be, what kind of makeup they should wear, how they wear their hair.... and the list goes on and on. Society has tainted and abused the images of young girls... and it's getting worse and worse. Media plays a huge if not the biggest role in this situation. I was working out a little while ago and noticed that on VH1 (they had that on the TV.. I didn't choose it) they have a show to see who can lose the most weight. If you gained weight you were penalized for it. If you lost only one to two pounds, you were STILL penalized for it. What has our society come to? No one sees EVERYONE as beautiful perfection anymore. We compare each other to others. We look in the mirror daily and say 'ok, how can i make myself look BETTER today?' We usually hate ourselves on the inside. If that's you... I can relate. As a girl growing up, I have no idea why.. but I always had this sense of NEEDING to be beautiful. And beauty on the inside didn't even occur to me. I was only worried about the outward appearance. I struggled for years with dieting, exercising, and thank God I truly honestly never dealt with any eating disorders, but it has still been an ongoing battle. I constantly compare myself to others thinking 'Wow... she is perfect. I'm nowhere near that, I look awful.' There were even times when I wouldn't even look in a mirror. What I would see in the reflection was something I dreaded and hated.

This is a serious issue. Satan knows that in our generation today, girls desire to be beautiful and live up to a certain standard. If we feel we aren't good enough, we try whatever it takes to get there. Obsessive dieting, exercising and sometimes even eating disorders. It breaks my heart for those girls who go through this... but for myself, I even struggle with it. It's hard sometimes to go day by day and really be unhappy with yourself. As I thought about this, I prayed and truly poured my heart out to the Lord. I mean, He's the One who created me... He knows everything about me. I was real honest with God. I told Him how I hated myself and the way I looked and that inside...these 'inner demons' as I'd like to call them, were slowly killing me. I then realized something.

God is the ultimate Artist. He created the birds of the air, the land and sea. He created the color of the sky, the clouds, the flowers, snowflakes, rain drops, grass, dirt, and all else that has to do with our surroundings. He also created ME. Why should I have to change the way I look and try to be BETTER? That must be insulting to God. How would you feel if you painted something for years, and it got into an art gallery. One day someone walked up to your painting, picked out every single thing they didn't like, took a paint brush, some paint and just repainted over the ENTIRE thing. Wouldn't you be humiliated? Upset? Offended? You were the artist of that painting...how dare someone just change it and say they hate it? It's hurtful.

The same goes with our God. He's created ME, and you into His perfect image. When you say that you hate yourself, and that you are unhappy with what you see in the mirror... it hurts God. You're insulting His artwork. He is the ultimate Artist and has created everyone beautiful in their own special way. It's true when we say... we often want what we don't have. Why is that? It's because our society and Satan has gotten to the core of what girls (and even guys) think of a lot. It's the main issue as to why there are a lot of eating disorders and suicides. Satan knows that if he can just dig deeper and deeper and deeper on this issue, many will walk away from God, abandon Him, or just lose hope in Him. It's heart wrenching and heart breaking.

Even though I am and have been struggling with this... my hope, love, and faith in my Lord has NEVER ceased. I may not always be happy with what I see... but God is there.. He has created me in HIS image. Perfect in all my imperfections. He knows what I'm struggling with on the inside, and He wants to continually preserve me and strengthen me in His might. I hate that Satan knows just what to do to get me depressed, anxious, upset, and hating myself. But ya know what....I'm not letting him win. God is truly victorious over IT ALL.

He has created you perfectly. You ARE beautiful. There are a few verses that really ministered to me lately as I have been struggling with my self image. God poured His love upon these verses when He wrote them to me. Here they are:

"For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ." - Galatians 1:10


"Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing; But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised." - Proverbs 31:30

"For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand. When I awake, I am still with You." - Psalm 139:13, 14, 17, 18


"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also put eternity in their hearts, except no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end." - Ecclesiastes 3:11

God doesn't look at the outward appearance, but the HEART. For the heart is what matters most. Jesus is the perfect example of beauty. When we are walking close with Him, He pours that beauty upon us... we are completely satisfied! My prayer for me and for anyone else struggling is that we would find our love, beauty, and contentment in the Lord.

He has made you perfectly beautiful.

"But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

Sunday, March 14, 2010

random rambling.


Being back to school from Spring Break is kind of like a truck hit me! I'm not ready to get back into the swing of classes, but I am ready for the semester to go by quick so that Summer can come! This past week I got to spend my Spring Break touring the USA, doing service projects in different cities. What a BLESSING it was to see the love and devotion to service from people who were Christians and non-Christians. God truly used each and every one of us for His glory. We traveled to Ohio, New York, Boston, Philly, Washington DC and a few other places to do service projects. We cleaned out a river, swept and mopped floors, painted buildings, went door to door giving out flyers... anything that was needed to be done, we did! I wondered how we survived with only 3 hours of sleep each night, but my only response to that is that the Lord gave me the strength. I NEED at least 8 hours of sleep a night to function, but I was just fine with 3 hours a night only because He gave me the strength needed :) I was blessed.

As we all came together for the first few days, we got to know each other and just stand side by side helping each other in various service projects. But as the week went on, we became strong together, building friendships that we never could think would last forever. 43 people on one bus... and we literally became best friends. It was so neat to see how God worked. He used some of us to be a witness and a light to others who questioned God, or wasn't sure about things. We had a random impromptu worship session one night, and it was THE MOST beautiful, Spirit led worship session I have ever been a part of. God was so there... and to see His spirit move about the room was absolutely incredible. People who didn't even know Him came and sat at His feet.... what a beautiful thing!! As the week went on, I saw God move in specific ways that truly blessed me. He used people on the trip to encourage me, pray for me, listen to me, and give confirmation to things I thought was God's will :) It was SUCH a blessing.

I am so amazed at how the Lord has worked this past week. I cannot WAIT to see what He has in store for my future and for our relationship. I am truly blessed.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

reflecting God.


As I was home this past weekend, I decided to bring back to school with me some devotionals. My time spent everyday with the Lord has truly grown and flourished.. but I haven't done a specific study or book to go along with my readings. For quite a long time I was content with that... but my heart desired a study so I took to school "Reflecting God" written by Kay Smith. Those of you who don't know who Kay Smith is.... oh man, get to know her! Her and her husband Chuck have been founders of the Calvary Chapel movement for YEARS. Their service, dedication, and love for the Lord is so immense and incredible, whenever you see them face to face it's like walking near the Lord! (Kind of hehe) They are so on fire for God it is the most encouraging thing to see. Last year of October I got to spend a week in California with my mom at the Pastor's Wives Conference out in Murrieta. Chuck and his wife Kay were out there and Kay actually spoke at the conference. Talk about a huge BLESSING. It was incredible.

Her Bible study "Reflecting God" has been exactly what I need in this season of my life. As I have grown more in love with the Lord, He has shown me things I need to revise and re-edit in my life. Things that I thought were once just, "ok" can't be ok in the Christian walk. Simple things...certain music, movies and television. God has really used Kay's study to help me in my walk with the Lord. It talks about holiness and how we are to DESIRE to be more like the Lord.. and when we desire that, we won't WANT the things of this world anymore.

Plain and simple...this is the gist of it: This world is so lost, so hungry for SOMETHING, anything... that instead of filling the void with the Lord because we've become so intolerant of Christianity, people fill it with other things instead. Drugs, alcohol, sex, and the list goes on and on. I'm also talking about ME!!! I used to be involved in worldly things at a time too... but God truly revealed Himself to me and I began to see that wasn't the life God intended or wanted for me. He desired me...my love, and all my life. How sweet it is to be in the hands of God. It's sad to see this world and all its sin. It's also sad because it is anyone's fault either. Satan knows just what to do to make people stumble, fall, and walk away or never want God. Satan is the ruler of this world, but in the end, God will be the One to judge it. As believers, we need to be a LIGHT to this world, even though it's extremely difficult, and even though people may hate you for it... God calls us to be light in the darkness.

"Reflecting God" is an incredible Bible study for women who strive to be more for Christ... and to live pure and holy lives. As women, we need to LIVE for purity. And I mean, LIVE IT! It's so hard in our society because we're thrown with things such as clothing, and ads on billboards and TV... we try to compare and match ourselves to people or models.. but how does God truly feel about us? It's hard because we want the approval of others... and most of the time, we know God loves us just as we are... but it isn't enough. Make it be enough! It IS enough... this world is passing away, but the Lord stands forever. He has created you JUST the way you are... He thinks you're outstandingly beautiful! He also wants you to see yourself in the way He sees you.

I struggle with... daily, hourly, and even by the minute. I look in the mirror and cringe at what I see half the time. Sometimes, I don't even stop to think "Hold up.. who cares what I think? Who cares what people around me think? God thinks I'm beautiful...HE created me..." It is so difficult because we've been brainwashed to think we have to own up to a certain style, weight, and look. This isn't so..at all! It's sad to think of what today's generation of young girls are dealing with... it was bad when I was in Junior High... I can't imagine what it is like now!!!

This study has truly allowed the Lord to work in my heart, to reevaluate it, and to examine and tune it up. My heart is daily needing to be before the Lord, and I totally need Him to renew me!! God is so cool to give us the words we need, WHEN we need it :) It's amazing.

Looking around me in this day in age is sad... but people need the Lord. We can't go around blaming one person or a group of people. It's satan who's got people brainwashed to think the way the world thinks. But as Jeremy Camp says: "There will be a day, with no more tears, no more pain and no more fears, there will be a day when the burden of this place will be no more...we'll see Jesus face to face but until that day we'll hold on to You always."



"But you have not so learned Christ, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus: that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness." - Ephesians 4:20-24