Thursday, September 30, 2010

Updates

As I have been home for over a month now, it is amazing to me to see what all God has done in and through my heart and life just over a short period of time. He is incredible. I can't imagine what He is going to do within the next year or two!

I'll admit that when I came home from school the first week or so was very rough for me. It was almost as if satan was putting doubts in my mind about the decision I had made to leave ISU and move back home and prepare for Bible College. Coincidence? Naw. Satan knows who my heart belongs to, his job (and he never EVER succeeds) is to try and trip me up and make me doubt my decisions and trust in the LORD. As I was faced with opposition and adversity from a few people regarding my decision I began to become down, and discouraged, praying that the LORD would soften the hearts of people who don't understand..to see that, my life is NOT my own. I don't belong to this world, nor am I one who owns myself. Make sense? I am GOD'S child. His. Only His. Therefore, He has the right to direct me wherever He needs me to go, and He has the right to tell me to drop all I have and follow after Him. Why wouldn't I want to?

As I prayed one night in tears of confusion and curiosity the LORD quickly and surely opened my eyes to His word. It never fails to amaze me...and just when I need Him most, He is always right there beside me. As I opened my Bible His word leaped at me like it never had before...

"All who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution. The offense of the cross. If I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ. If you are reproached for the name of Christ, blessed are you. But let none of you suffer as a murderer, a thief, an evildoer, or as a busy body in other people's matters. Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in this matter. To you it has been granted on behalf of Christ, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake. If One died for all, then all died; and He died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again."

You can imagine my response. As I lay face down weeping with gratitude in my heart for His provision and guidance, all I could say was, "Here LORD, take me. I am nothing." I'm not here for my own glory, nor to build my own kingdoms, nor to make myself anything in this world. The world SHOULD hate me, and I glory in the fact that they do. I am CHRIST'S. My work here on earth is to simply glorify Him in everything. I love the song "Nothing Without You" in the verse that says, "Take my time here on this earth, let it glorify all that You are worth, for I am nothing...I am nothing without You." So true.

So, as I scampered on my adventure here at home, I began job searching, and not only did God open one door for a job, but He opened TWO doors. Both wanted me very much, and He has given me the wisdom and knowledge to choose the right one :) What an amazing God we serve. I am currently the new Aid/Preschool teacher at KnderCare Learning Center! God is teaching me a lot with those little children. I am learning to love them, in spite of their faults or their mishaps (sounds like how Christ loves us, huh?) and I am learning how to deal with children in a whole new way. It's a tremendous blessing, but very tiring!

God has also opened doors for ministry here at home too. When I was 10 years old I was involved in a pre-teen girls Bible study at my church and now, years later...God has revealed to me He would like me to help lead worship and minister! He has totally grown the desire in my heart for young women and so I am utterly blessed that He has chosen the foolish (ahem, me) to be in this ministry :)

In the next few weeks I'll be heading out to Indiana to a ministry conference. When I got my job I thought, 'there's no way I'm going to this conference because I just got my job.' yet the LORD had wanted me to pursue and ask. So, I went to my boss and mentioned it, and she let me know she would find out and get back to me. I figured automatically that there was no way considering I wasn't very hopeful to get the days off. Over the last weekend I had prayed earnestly that if God had truly wanted me at this ministry conference, that He would make it known to me. That He would allow me to get the days off work so I could go and that it would be His absolute will for me. If it wasn't His will for me, I prayed that He would close the doors. When I approached my manager a few days ago she told me that I was free to go! I honestly did not think I would get the time off work. It was so neat :) So, I'm headed off to Indiana in a few weeks to attend this ministry conference, praying the LORD would lead and guide in whichever way He chooses.

My mind still can't fathom the fact that in less than 5 months, I'll be in California, living at the Bible College. Is He good or what? For so long I had struggled with doubts about it. I rejected it because I wanted to make sure that my motives were pure and right and true, yet He continued to press it upon my heart and now look. I'm not saying it's going to be easy...it might be the hardest two years of my entire life, yet, it's what God wants from me. So how can I say no? My mind keeps going back to that place of joy and excitement every time I think about it :)

Of course, I'll miss my friends and family a lot :( Yet, I know His will is much better than my own. Continuing to pray that He would lead me to wonderful Godly girls and that His entire will would be done in my life through these next few years.

Oh, that I would desire holiness, to seek and pursue purity in all things. He is the reason I'm alive. He is the reason I am me. I am not my own... I am HIS. A 'princess' of the King (so He says!)

"But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus, my LORD, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ..." Philippians 3:7-8

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

a trip down memory lane

I found these old pictures of me and my family while thumbing through a drawer of photos the other day :) It totally made me giggle! Wanting to share with you for fun..hoping you also find these funny and comical! :)
Pumpkin Farm was tradition with us :)

I'm pretty sure I remember those sunglasses ;)

Me! Look at that BIG dress :)

The siblings :)

HA! Do you see that big bow? hehe
I know I hated that dress :) My mom always dressed me so foofy!

Baby me, my brother Philly, and Bob :)

Danielle and I at her 8th birthday party :)

Helene on the bottom, me above her, and Danielle on the stairs :)


Me at my dear friend Danielle's 4th birthday party :)



"For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well." Psalm 139:13

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I give all myself.


The LORD has been so beautiful and gracious in teaching me what it means to fully surrender to Him. I'm not just talking about giving up a meal a week to fast, or to lay down my heart so He can do whatever He pleases with it, even though that is true. I'm talking about full on, ignition of surrender to Him. Not just my heart, but my everything. My thoughts, my will, my desires, my loves, my passions, my fears...anything, everything, and it all unto Him.

I have had the blessing of reading "Surrender" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and she is so anointed by God. She shares some of her life experiences and what the LORD has shown her to surrender in her own life. These past few months, well..maybe several months, I have been learning what it truly means to surrender. It hasn't been easy either, let me tell you. Surrendering all you are and have to the LORD initially may be hard on you but let me tell you...it eventually yields the fruit and peacefulness He promises. All that you need is found in Him. As Americans, we think we need possessions, wealth, beauty, popularity. These are but idols in our lives. Yet, God has called us to surrender so much more unto Him, to allow Him to do the work in our hearts He needs to do to fulfill our calling and ministry for His kingdom.

I wish I could go on for about 80 pages on what it truly means to surrender you all to the LORD but I can't. Let me just tell you these few things. In my own life, this means surrendering my fear of loneliness, my desire for a husband and children, and my heart for wanting to control things in my life. I began to take control of my future...going to ISU, pursuing education, not really obeying the voice of the LORD when He wanted me in full time ministry. Full surrender means I am giving up all I ever hoped for, dreamed, loved, desired... all to stay focused and remain in furthering the Kingdom of GOD. And, if by His precious will and beautiful power, He decides to bless me with those things, then fine. Blessed be His name. If NOT, then blessed be His name.

Even though God intended for these things to be blessings (marriage, a blessed future) we should not aim that our hearts be set on them. Our AIM, our hearts should be set on pilgrimage, they should be set on forsaking all we are and have, only to glorify our King in heaven. If that means selling all your possessions so be it. If that means remaining single for the rest of your life so be it. If that means moving to a country to share the gospel with nonbelievers so be it. Whatever I have to do to rid myself of any stains, any uncleanness, so that I could pursue holiness and purity in my heart, soul, and mind... then so be it.

My life on this earth is but a moment, a vapor, one that passes by. My only goal and calling is to live out the life Jesus has placed on me..to love those, pray for those, and spread the good news to those who are thirsty. I am nothing special and I am no one spectacular. I am me...by the grace of God, I am me. The only way I'm standing, breathing, living in joy and love is because of Jesus Christ.

Therefore, how can I not surrender everything unto Him? What could I possibly lose that is special to me, that means more than eternal life? Nothing. There is nothing apart from Christ that satisfies. HE is the ultimate satisfaction.

So I ask, what could you possibly have to lose by surrendering your life? No it won't be happy and awesome at first, more than likely it will be scary and uncertain...but trusting in God's unfailing love and perfect plan for your life is way more than you can ever ask for or hope. He does exceedingly abundantly all that I could have ever dreamed of. May my life be a living sacrifice unto Him...my actions, my words, my thoughts, my motives...all that I am.

I am not here in this world to make a mark, only to be known as a slave of Jesus. Not JUST a servant, not one who volunteers her time, a slave of Jesus. Every month, of every year, in every hour and every minute. I am His.

There is no greater calling. No greater blessing.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

ill follow You.


Yesterday, the craziest thing happened to me. The LORD had been putting people on my heart to pray for and write to, and He was really directing me. My earnest prayer lately has been that He would give me a pure, servant heart towards others. I struggle with being selfish. As I was heading to get lunch at Subway, I noticed a girl walking in the street which I thought was strange because she was by herself. I went into Subway and got my food then was paying when she walked in, all alone. She put her stuff down and as I turned away the LORD was saying, "Go...eat with her. Share with her the good news." Of course in my own selfishness and flesh I was like, "Really God? I don't know...she may be meeting someone here, or she may not want to deal with me." So I smiled at her and left. Driving home on the car something came over me. I began crying, hard. I was heartbroken that I had left her all by herself, but more than that, I was heartbroken that I disobeyed the voice of the LORD. Trouble with me is, I have pride...and that pride whispers to me and says "People will think you're a freak... don't be courageous or bold about Jesus." What lies! Dumb satan. How dare he!!!! My heart breaks because of this. Please pray that the LORD would give me the grace and STRENGTH, courage and boldness next time, to never let an opportunity like that pass.

Ever since yesterday, my heart has earnestly been broken over that sweet girl. I have no idea who she was, but all I can pray is that she would KNOW that Jesus loves her, somehow, someway. I pray that because I didn't listen, God would send someone obedient to what needs to be done in her life.

I realized, that I have ONE life to live. It's now that we are to stand up and be courageous for the cross of Christ. We are given opportunities by the LORD to shine and be a light in this dark world. I don't believe the LORD would give us situations that were impossible. I'm sure that girl would have said, "Why, sure you can eat with me..." or else, why would He have poked me to? No, I don't have the boldness or courage to go up to random people and shine the light of Christ, but I am earnestly and zealously praying that He would give me the strength to do so. He has called me to something so insanely unique.... what that is, I'm not sure, yet if I am going to be in full time ministry I am going to need to step out of my comfort zone. We all do.

I recently got my hands on a song by Leeland and Brandon Heath that truly ministered to me at a time when the LORD was really really pressing upon my heart to jump into ministry and leave all that I had accomplished behind. It's called "Follow You". A few lines that truly prick at my heart are as followed... I pray that you too would be encouraged as He has used it to encourage me. Where is the LORD calling you to go? Don't disobey... you have one life to live...why should we fret or worry about spreading the good news? You don't need to go to China or Russia or Israel... there is much needed here in the United States. Follow Him.

"On my knees You have supplied
When I was dead You gave me life
How could I not give it away so freely?
I'll follow You into the homes of the broken
I'll follow You into the world
I'll meet the needs for the poor and the needy God
I'll follow You into the world..."

"Whoever finds his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." - Matthew 10:39

Friday, September 10, 2010

continuing to pursue holiness.


God is so good to know what we need right when we need it. As I started my first year at ISU last year, He began to change my heart more and more drastically to things He adored, rather than things the world adored, or I adored. Man, so thankful for that! I look back on journal entries that I wrote a year ago, to now... and it's incredible what the LORD did in my heart, and to my heart. I'm still not by any means, 'good' or 'perfect' but I know that His work is continuing in and through me, it's such an encouragement to see. As I read these entries, my heart began to be more intense and passionate for ministry, and for this generation. Such lost souls, and so few people who were willing to make a difference. I'm so little, and not very vocal on certain subjects, yet I wanted so much more than what I, myself, had been striving for (teaching). I knew that the passion in my heart was for revival, for this generation to wake up and start believing in TRUTH rather than the lies of the world. Better yet, I knew it was time for the church to stop sleeping and being complacent to this world.. we were comfortable, I was comfortable and was sick of it. The LORD began to spark a flame in my heart to walk in holiness. I am so blessed and amazed at Him.. how He knows my past yet, still wants to use me for His glory, regardless of all I took part in. So amazing :)

My heart for the past few months have been in regards to holiness and purity. These words mean so much more than just physical. It's everything we are. God requires us to be holy in all we do. Speech, thoughts, motives, gestures, actions. It's not just about the physical, yet, that is a huge part of it. He began to give me a heart for young women and, we started a purity conference just this past July for the young women in Calvary Chapel churches across the Midwest. God totally blessed it, as nearly 20 young women came out. Incredible!! And now, since I am home, He has opened the door for me to lead worship and minister to young women in my churches Fragrant Life for Girls ministry. A Bible study once a month for young women. 9 years ago was when Fragrant Life started... I was the first batch!!! :) I can't believe, 9 years later, He is using something that grew me, to help encourage and minister to these sweet precious young women. It's amazing.

As I continue to yearn and strive to walk in holiness, the LORD has shown me so much. My dear friend and worship leader handed me the book "Holiness, the Heart That God Purifies" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Ah, so incredible. God has used this tiny little book in my life to continue to pursue holiness, righteousness, and purity for my life. It's so much more than what I thought. Sometimes it's easy as Christians to look at others and say "Man, I am a GOOD person compared to that one over there.... he continues to live in sin, and I gave all that up!" Why are we so quick, as believers, to say this yet not want to reflect on our OWN sin? This book has taught me that it should be a daily prayer that the LORD reveals my sin to me, that I would be convicted, and living a lifestyle of holiness. Sin doesn't have to be something such as murder, sexual impurity, porn, drunkenness, whatever. For me in my life, it can be something as simple as television, or Facebook. These things take up way too much time and dull my spirit in an awful way. I should be filling my spirit with GOOD things, and things that edify...things that make me desire a lifestyle of holiness. How can that happen if I'm stuck watching television 9 hours a day? Or on Facebook 5 hours a day? The LORD has convicted me of this.

He is so good to continue pressing it upon my heart to live a lifestyle of holiness. It's sad that this world has become more and more dark. As believers, we need to stop sleeping and being comfortable with this. Our sin has become "ok" in our eyes, and we have asked the LORD to reveal it to us, so that we can pursue a lifestyle of holiness. We are fine and think that 'one sin isn't as bad as the other'. I know that in my own life I have thought this.

I love this quote I found in the book. I pray that it encourages you to seek the LORD daily and ask that He continue to reveal any little or big sin in your life. All sin is weighed the same. Not one is higher than the other or more important. Sin is SIN. We need to realize it, repent, and be renewed by our God.

"Surely that man must be in an unhealthy state of soul who can think of all that Jesus suffered, and yet cling to those sins for which that suffering was undergone. It was sin that wove the crown of thorns; It was sin that pierced our Lord's hands and feet and side; It was sin that brought Him to Gethsemane and Calvary, to the cross and to the grave. Cold must our hearts be if we do not hate sin and labour to get rid of it, though we may have to cut off the right hand and pluck out the right eye in doing it." J.C. Ryle, "Holiness"

Monday, September 6, 2010

perfect and spotless One.


The more I listen to today's worship music, the more I realize that worship isn't only about singing a praise unto the LORD, though, this is part of it. Everything I say, think, do.. it should all be my worship unto Him. He desires and deserves all of us..every bit and every piece, worshiping Him in all His glory. As I think about all that the LORD has done for me, it never ceases to amaze me that no only does He desire my worship, He DESERVES it! The price paid at Calvary was far more than anything I deserved. One worship song has spoken to me more in these past few weeks than any other I have known. I'm not quite sure the entire story, but this song was written after a fatal shooting at a small town church... several murdered. Rather than blaming people, pointing fingers, and hardening their hearts toward our God, they raised their hands and voices in adoration and praise to Him, singing, "We will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony...everyone...overcome.."

They knew that the LORD had greater things in store for them than what happened. They weren't willing to let their circumstances get in the way of their God, or allow it to harden their hearts toward Him. I continue to think upon all the things that the LORD has graciously overcome in my own life. So much sin and unfaithfulness to Him, and it's a struggle STILL, but He is faithful and merciful to be the One who continues to show me that He can and will overcome all the obstacles in our lives. It's so precious to me. What a beautiful, majestic God we serve.

In my past I struggled with various sins I couldn't help but give thanks to the LORD.. for He has truly overcome and been victorious in all my shortcomings. HE is victory. He is the definition of victorious. I am amazed by Him...daily. Living apart from Christ only leads to habitual sin, and it isn't until we repent and surrender our lives fully to Him for the rest of our days, that we can see His love, the cross, and Him victorious in our lives. So precious He is to me.

Seated above, enthroned in the Father's love Destined to die, poured out for all mankind God's only Son, perfect and spotless One. He never sinned, but suffered as if He did All authority, every victory, is Yours Savior, worthy of honor and glory Worthy of all our praise... You overcame Jesus, awesome in power forever Awesome and great is Your name...You overcame Power in hand, speaking the Father's plan You're sending us out, light in this broken land.. We will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony Everyone...overcome