the reason for it all.

As another year of Thanksgiving has come, I know that we all sit and ponder what we are truly thankful for. I don't think that enough hours in the day could sincerely explain all that I'm thankful for. The Lord has done so much for me...it's all too much to even say. As I was reading my Daily Light and thinking about all the things He has done for me, I couldn't help but to think about the cross. It's power, it's strength. The cross is the entire reason my life is even possible. It is what has allowed me to plow on in hope, in the faith, and in the love of Christ. The cross is the reason for everything in my life. It's true!

Because Jesus CHOSE to willingly die on the cross for me, I have become victorious over sin. Not because of me, but because of Him. Due to His death on the cross, I am able to overcome the chains of bondage that I used to sit in. Have you ever truly thought about that? The bondage of sin? When I think about the chains of bondage, I mostly think about someone whose arms and legs are locked into stocks or chains, that are nailed or cemented to the ground. You can't move at all. Whether you try to break your arms and legs free by yourself you know that you'll fail. What can help you break out of that? Well, something huge and supernatural. Obviously the one main thing is the key that unlocks those chains to set you free. That's Jesus. He is the key..the only hope and answer to unlock us or free us from our bondage.

I can't begin to tell you the heavy weight of yuck I used to feel while in bondage to sin. It was as if I was never joyful. Clouds of darkness always loomed about. It was like my heart was constantly taking a beating and every thought in my mind was either evil, dark, or sinful. Ugh! I don't know about you, but I am SO THANKFUL the Lord decided to set me free from those chains! It's all the power of the cross. Jesus took those sins and nailed them to the cross at Calvary. What precious truth. What a beautiful picture of my life. It's all because of the cross.

What is there in the past life that I could want now? Nothing! Jesus has done and given me more than enough. I am so blessed and so thankful for it all. Everything that I need I have right here. It's incredible. I would never want to rewind the time back two years ago, or five years ago to relive it. Those times I don't even want to remember.

While reading my Daily Light tonight the Lord gave me this verse:
"When you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. What fruit did you have then in the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. But now haing been set free from sin, and having become slaves of God, you have your fruit to holiness, and the end, everlasting life." Romans 6:20-22

It totally struck something in my heart. It's so true! I was an ENEMY of righteousness. Can you believe it? What a sorrowful life that was. I can't live without the righteousness and holiness of the Lord anymore! Also, what did I have back then that I could want, now that I'm ashamed of it all? Pshhhhh nothing! There's a reason I am ashamed of it all! haha! The Lord has done that in my heart. His death on the cross has allowed me to HATE the things the world loves. It has allowed me to look back upon my sinfulness in the past, my relationship with the world, and be ashamed. I was destined for hell. I was on my way to death for the rest of my life. Due to the love of Jesus, His choice to go to the cross, I am FREE FROM BONDAGE!

I just love those words :) Free from bondage. It's like I want to climb a huge mountain and then just scream on the top of my lungs for all the world to hear, "JESUS SAVED ME! I AM FREE FROM BONDAGE!" It's so dang precious! It's so sweet! I can't get over it. Instead of hell, where I should have gone, Jesus wanted something better for me. Eternal life in heaven was what He had in mind.

Boy, am I thankful. Why can't people see that? The Lord wants something so much better for them than what they have going for themselves. Yet they go on about their daily routines, the affairs of the world, not thinking or caring about any of it. Sometimes, I too do that. It's so sad.

My earnest prayer is that the Lord would pour the love and forgiveness He displayed on the cross, into my own life. I so pray that I would love others unconditionally and forgive them. Yea sounds so cliche and stupid. But it's easier said than done, especially for those in our lives who are hard to love. Yet, that's the power of Christ. It's the power of the cross.

With the cross, with Jesus..everything and anything is possible. I have seen freedom from alcohol, sexual immorality, unforgiveness, bitterness, hurt, hate, dependency...the list goes on and on. And those are all attributes of my LIFE! Well, the former life.

What joy I have knowing that my former life is GONE. In the past, never around. It's completely over. This new life, this precious beautiful life because of the blood of Jesus has allowed me to be set free. It has allowed me to have a reserved place in heaven. Ah! Sometimes I just get too excited thinking about it.

To think, that the God of this universe would pursue me all the days of my life..loving me, reaching out to me, forgiving me..even when I was in open rebellion and sin.

I challenge you to look at your life daily to see what/who you're living for. Who or what are you living for? The Bible reiterates over and over again, "Keep yourself from idols". Idols aren't just carved images. They're people, thoughts, emotions, places, material items, addictions. They can be just about anything we put in front of God. I truly challenge you to look at how you live your life hour by hour.

Each day is a gift. I wake up blessed that the Lord has chosen to allow me another day on this earth. He hasn't allowed it to be good so that I can have fun. He's allowed it because it's another opportunity to glorify Him in every area of my day. Many times I take this for granted. I go about my day and then when it's time for bed I'll think, 'man, where did it go? did I even use it, AT ALL, to glorify God?' It's humbling.

My prayer is that I especially, and you, would wake each morning with Him. I pray that we would SERIOUSLY consider our hours, our minutes, that they would be devoted and dedicated to our Jesus. If you think about that and say 'really? i have a life too' then are you even truly walking in the truth? Is God truly on your side? As followers and slaves of Jesus, we ought to be yearning for Him every minute of every hour of every day. We ought to be seeking holiness for our lives, and wanting to glorify Him in our daily lives. I will be so blessed and thankful if He chooses for me to wake up again tomorrow. I just know that it's because He wants me to be the faithful steward to bring His good news to those around me.

I hear this said from a friend of mine very recently: It isn't God's business to make you happy, it's His business to make you holy.

Friends, it's time we stop seeking the Lord when we want something or when we need something. We need to be seeking the Lord, on our faces, daily in adoration, praise, thanksgiving. He is not our doorman or bellhop, He is the Almighty GOD, the Ruler of the world. He has the power to take our lives away or to build them up to something glorious for Him. What would you rather have?

On this Thanksgiving, I am praising Him more and more for His love and forgiveness in my life. It astounds me. My only hurt, my only sadness is that I have not used my hours and days to the best that I could. My hurt is that He will come back for His church and say "Child, you could have done so much more."

My earnest prayer is that my hours and minutes would be devoted, dedicated and well spent praising Him, honoring Him and glorifying Him. He is so deserving.

May your heart be steadfast on Him as well. Let us not forget the true reason we are here on this earth. The cross has given us reason to live, reason to go on, reason to be set free from the death and sin of the world. Why would we want to live for anyone or anything else? Jesus' death on the cross is the reason for all that we are.

May we be most thankful for HIM. It is to Christ we owe it all, folks. We are nothing. He is everything.

hollywood.

I just want to share this video with you because not only does it make me smile, but the lyrics are GREAT! Listen so so carefully to the lyrics. It's the point I'm making. Plus... it's Michael Buble...come on people, he's pretty amazing :)



So don't go higher for desire. Thank you, Michael! So true! I was thinking about hollywood lately, and how it's so hard for every single hollywood couple to stay MARRIED now a days. They give marriage a bad name, and they give divorce glorification which it shouldn't be because its SIN. It's so sad to see all the people who eat up the lime light. They keep pursuing until they get more money, more fame, more beauty, more material things. It's really sad. I love this song because to me, it shares how much you'll be slowly killing yourself being 'famous' and in the spot light. Now, I can only hope Michael truly feels that way ;)

The only thing I disagree with is when he says you can find 'it' in yourself. First of all, what's 'it'? Pretty sure it's happiness, joy, and love. Yet, of course we know we can only find that in Jesus. But over all, I absolutely love this message :) It's pretty spectacular. Am I surprised? Michael brings out a new catchy song all the time! It's great!!

Sometimes I have to remind myself that the pretty things, the popular things, the famous things in life really will only slowly kill you. As I find myself looking in the mirror too much, losing a bunch of weight, trying different kinds of makeup, it's like...who am I really trying to impress here? Is it even worth impressing people? No. The scriptures say that if you were still to please man you would not be a bondservant of Christ. I am a slave of Jesus. HE is the only One I want to 'impress' if that's the right word. We can't even impress Jesus. We're not called to. We're called to walk in holiness, to glorify Him in our daily lives, and to walk worthy of the calling with which He has called us. Now that is something to live by.

The world is passing away. This isn't my home. I have an eternal home in heaven and I can't wait to get there. Daily may I remind myself that my work here is short, and that I need to continue to hourly walk worthy of the calling with which I was called.

I pray the same for you :)

I just LOVE Michael Buble :)

celebration.

This past weekend I celebrated my 22nd birthday! It's crazy to think that I'm already past the age of 20. I remember my 19th birthday, my 20th birthday, AND my 21st birthday. They all seemed like they were only recently. It's crazy how time flies! As I look upon my age and the standards of what you're supposed to be at this age, it's insane! I know a lot of my friends are only 22 and they're married. CRAZY! Some of my friends are 22 and they've graduated college already. Again...nuts! I am so oober blessed at what the Lord has done for me these past few years. I remember where I was at 20, and let me tell you... I am SO THANKFUL I'm not there right now.

I remember thinking then, 'I will never overcome this, I will never get over this'. Many trials and struggles were happening and I didn't think that they'd ever go away. Now, two years later, I can't even believe all that the Lord has done for me. It's like, is this real? Sometimes I just want to pinch myself :) It's such an incredible feeling.

Through all the fears, worries, struggles, tribulations, heartaches....He's been victorious in and through me. Nothing that I've done has been of myself. Everything that has happened has been because the Lord has been so gracious and merciful to redeem me.

As I woke on my birthday, I couldn't help but thank Him for so much. I prayed that He would make this birthday a particularly special one. As I was spending time with Him, I couldn't help but think that there was an even deeper meaning to the celebration going on. Yes, the Lord has chosen to give me physical life. For that, I am grateful :) Yet, He has given me something so much more precious, so much more special, that if I didn't have it, this whole life would be meaningless, it would be pointless. He has chosen to give me ETERNAL life. Something that is far more exciting to celebrate!!! Because of my sin, and my ugliness, Jesus chose to go to the cross and die in my place. He has given me eternity. He has prepared and is preparing a place in heaven for ME. How stinkin' incredible.

I couldn't help but to think that my God was the best. :) It's so true. Yes, I am so thankful that He has given me life, yet I am even more thankful that He has given me eternity. He has chosen to die in my place on Calvary and He has taken my sins, the ones I committed, do commit, and will commit...and nailed them to the cross. It's something that I sometimes can't even fathom.

That's something to celebrate! I am so blessed by Him. Each new day proves to me that there is nothing greater in this life than His love, His grace, and His forgiveness. He has chosen to give me LIFE. Eternal life.

As I was praying I also couldn't help but to thank God for my parents. They chose to have me! I began to pray for all the moms on that day that were contemplating abortion. Oh, what sweet precious babies inside of them. My prayer is that every mom contemplating abortion would chose LIFE.

God surely blessed my birthday. Friends, family and good food :) I wasn't feeling all that great, but He still chose to bless me!

There is truly nothing and no one greater, than the King who holds my heart, life, dreams, and future. What joy...what love..what promise. The promise of eternity, and the promise of the One who is worth living for.

preparation stages.

Oh, how the Lord is so good to be guiding me all along His way. When I was back at Illinois State, I was going through a time of really praying about where the Lord had wanted me to go with my life. Ministry had now become the prime area I wanted to be a part in, but I was still unsure what He was doing. I knew that my heart had changed. I knew that I didn't just want to be a part of a Wednesday night Bible study, or go to a Sunday morning church service. I didn't just want to love on others, or share the love of Christ with my friends. No...I wanted to do so much more. It was unusual (in a good way!)

As I was at school the Lord really spoke to me a lot through 1 Peter 2. The first verse He gave me while away was 1 Peter 2: 9 and it says:

"But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light."

It was true that He had taken me out of a life of darkness and despair, to a life of joy, and comfort. He had taken me out of the filth and wretchedness to a life of purity. I was spotless in Him. I AM spotless in Him. Only by His grace. I knew that I was chosen. I already told you, but I knew three years ago at a conference in California, that He had chosen me for something far greater than I could ever imagine. I wasn't sure (and I'm still not) what exactly that is...but that's ok.

I knew from then on I was born to be unusual, different, weird I guess you could say! I wasn't like everyone else... I had a higher calling and purpose on my life that the Lord wanted to take me through. This verse continued to confirm that. I knew that in my generation, being chosen was not easy. With all that surrounds me and all the things of the world. It's not easy standing out in a crowd of people going against everything they stand for. But you know what, who cares? I'm not here to please them, I'm only here to bring glory to God. That's what my life's all about.

As I was called into ministry, the Lord kept continuing to confirm it through His word. Just the other night I sat down with my parents and talked about future plans. Going to Bible College in January is probably the most exciting thing, ever! I am thrilled! Yet I still worry that I won't be used there for ministry, or that I'll go and come out and end up stuck somewhere I'm not liking. The usual lame stuff. I know the Lord has called me into a lifestyle of simplicity. More than ever before. It's crazy.

So, what does He have? We talked about missions, about worship. Yet, I continue to firmly believe that it's not about 'what' ministry, it's about ministry..period. Wherever the Lord places me, it's a ministry. Look at my job. I am there, amongst a bunch of people who don't believe the truth. So obviously I share the good news with them, I show them what I'm about. I love on the precious children that are dropped off for most of the day, sometimes 12 hours a day. (sad) This is my ministry! For this season! Maybe God has me at Bible College to minister and encourage one young woman. Maybe she completely fell off the deep end, and the Lord wants to use me to share my life's struggles with her so she can be encouraged. Who knows? I just know that wherever I'm at, He uses me, and He continues to provide all the boldness I need.

I can't help but to think that I'm called for something big, and to be honest, it scares me a little. I am not the most eloquent if you haven't noticed. I don't like public speaking, can't stand conflict, and when it comes to voicing my own opinions, I'll be honest.. I often don't. I fear rejection, I fear people laughing at me, criticizing me, or talking behind my back. I am NOT the ideal person to be called into a lifetime of ministry! But it's so true...God uses the foolish of this world, doesn't He? (1 Corinthians 1:27) That's me. And that's where my fears come in.

As I was in bed the other night praying and spending time with the Lord, this whole topic came into my mind. This time I wasn't doubting my calling...but I was curious, I was worried that I wouldn't be fit for the ministry. The boldness in my heart isn't really there, and it aggravates me. I am not super strong when it comes to speaking out, verbally, my opinions and beliefs. So I was praying that the Lord would give me boldness, strength, courage to share the good news with those around me.

A week after the Lord gave me 1 Peter 2:9 at Illinois State, He gave me the other part of that chapter. It goes like this:

"Coming to Him as to a living stone, rejected indeed by men, but chosen by God and precious, you also, as living stones are being built up a spiritual house, a holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 2:4-5

That really hit home to me, too. I knew then that the world was going to reject me the rest of my life and that it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was chosen by God. I was called to a purpose far greater than the eyes of the world could see, and I will do anything to fulfill that purpose.

So, a few days back, when I was contemplating the ministry and all that the Lord had for me, He reminded me of this verse. And as the fears continued in my mind, He continued to put this verse on my heart. He put it in my daily devotional, on the scripture of the day, and other places so it was clearly apparent to me! Isn't He awesome?

As I prayed for boldness and confidence in proclaiming the good news of Christ, He reminded me that I was "being built up a spiritual house". It's all preparation. I couldn't help but cry. It was as if He was reminding me, "Beloved, I am preparing you. You're not going to have it all together, and you are going to sometimes fail at it...but it's all preparation for greater things I have in store for you." It was as if He was reminding me that He was continuing to do a work inside me that was far greater than I could see. So I was honest with the Lord, telling Him that I was fearful but that I didn't care what it was He had for me. I will walk in His path and His light to wherever it takes me. Whether that's across the world, in my home, or in a different state. My purpose in this life is to live it out LOUD for Jesus. I am no one special, I am nothing awesome. I can't do anything apart from Him and so I refuse to live my life for 'self'. Self only destroys you. Jesus restores you.

So I am exceedingly blessed by the work He's doing in my heart. I can't thank Him enough for allowing me to stay home this semester so He can prepare, work, mold, and shape my heart into a woman He wants me to be. Oh, how I desire to be made into the image of Him! More and more each day.

Just as Casting Crowns sings...."All this life could offer me cannot compare to You, and I count it all as loss, compared to knowing You."

So true!

is life worth living or worth giving away?

Before I continue with anything... I want to share a video with you. Unfortunately, YouTube is LAME and won't let me post the video on here, for some odd reason....sooooo if you click this link it should go to it :) Now, I am not in ANY WAY condoning any of it. But it is going to make my point across once you are done watching.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koVHN6eO4Xg

So, live your life. Eh? Whether you're a believer of Jesus Christ or not, what do you think it means to truly say "Live your life to the fullest"? In listening to the lyrics of the song, it's kind of sad don't you think? I mean, money, fame, popularity... they're all great, sure. Yet, somehow I truly believe that those things fade. Once you have enough money, you'll just want more. Once people like you, you'll continue to altar yourself to make more people like you. The more famous you are, the more you continually talk about yourself, love yourself, and try to cater to yourself. Sad life. I know that before I even knew the Lord, I tried so many things to make me happy. Some things were harmless, others were harmful. Yet, I felt that even in the things that were harmless, I ended up still being empty.

This whole mentality of "chase the paper" (money) is it really satisfying? One thing I liked about the video.. his attempt and success at getting out of the old life of crime and gangs to live better and become free. Awesome. Yet, there's still so much that seems meaningless.

When I continue to think upon all that the Lord has done in my life, I think about the University I had attended before coming home. So many lost souls, so many people searching, trying to fill the void with anything and everything they can. Sure, to them it's not 'filling the void' they're simply living their life and having fun so I should back off.. right? Yet, my heart can't help but to break for these people. I look around and want so badly to love on them, care for them and do something to help. Maybe they don't need help or don't want help.

Yet, the truth is, whether or not they choose to believe it nothing they do will satisfy their longing or desires like Jesus. It's so true. When I surrendered my life to the Lord, I truly never felt an ounce of loneliness, sadness, or depression. I never wondered "What am I doing with my life?" or, "What's going to happen when I die? What's the purpose of life?"

The purpose of life, is that you have been created for a unique, beautiful purpose. God didn't create you and then say "Ok so & so, have a great life, do what you want. Live it up!" No... in fact, God created you so that you could fulfill a precious purpose in this life. Not for you, but for Him and His kingdom in heaven. You were created to make a difference. I'm not one of those people who loves to preach 'You were created to make a difference! Go out! Do community service! Share love! Give hugs!' Those are all great things, yes..but there's a deeper meaning in all this than what the eye sees. The heart must understand, we were created for GOD, and only for Him. We were created to love Him, to serve Him, and to want to spend our lives loving on others, and bringing the good news to them. This is our purpose. Ministry is a different thing. Wherever we are...it's a ministry. God has called us EACH to a divine unique purpose in this life for Him. So what are we doing with our lives?

Some may be living it for themselves. Getting drunk on weekends, experimenting with sex other days. Some may be quiet, lonely and to themselves. Others might be famous..trying to keep the money rolling in. Yet, even before I knew the Lord, I was all these things. I tried every single thing I could to try and make me happy. None of it satisfied. God pursued me in a beautiful way...He never once let me go through it all. I pray that He is pursuing you in the same way.

I know He loves you and I know He wants you to get to know Him. The sin I was in was only leading me to hell. I was a sinner, in desperate need of a Savior. My way and my end was death. Hell forever. Yet when I surrendered my life unto Jesus and began to live for Him, He prepared a place for me in heaven. An eternal home.

I say this a lot but this place is not my home. I am not excited, nor storing up treasures on this earth because someday soon, I will be going to my eternal Home... the place where I so long to get to! Heaven! I will be sitting at the feet of Jesus, worshiping Him, loving Him, listening to Him speak. Can you imagine? We go to church and worship Him most days of the week...with fellowship, song and the Bible, but can you imagine actually being NEXT to Jesus? Listening to His word? From Him? Ugh...the thought captivates me!

My eternal home is one where, when I am close to going to it, I won't be upset, sad, fearful..I'll be excited, joyful, anticipating the hour when I get to meet my Jesus face to face. Why? Because I know where I'm going.

I don't have to sit and question whether I'll be going to heaven or hell. And yes, hell is real. God spoke about hell more than anyone in the Bible. Maybe you don't question whether you're destined for heaven or hell. Maybe you think you're a good enough person so you're golden. Think again. There is no one good, the Bible says. Not one. Or, maybe you refuse to believe the fact that there's a hell and you believe when you die, nothing happens. Are you sure? How can you be so sure?

My dad makes a good point sometimes. He says, "What do you have to lose?" If you're wondering, 'seriously, this heaven/hell stuff...could it be so?' I challenge you to open up a Bible and read it. To go through it and challenge yourself. Seriously...maybe you don't believe or are confused on what to believe. But what do you have to lose?

Where are you going? Do you know? If not, please, don't wait until it's too late.

Don't just "live ya life"... because this life is so worth giving away to the One who gave His life on the cross for you. If you don't trust me as far as you can throw me....trust me on this ONE thing. It is so worth it.

"For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of Man will come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and then He will reward each according to his works." Matthew 16:25-27

the road less traveled.

I don't think I need anymore proof that where I am right now is where God definitely has me. I'm not saying that I ever had reasonable doubts about leaving ISU, in fact, I never truly doubted me leaving..it's just, well, was I so sure that it was what God wanted? Or, was it because I had put thoughts into my mind so often, that what I truly wanted, coincided with what God wanted and, I made the decision based on my own feelings and emotions, rather than His. When things like that happen, more than likely they end up horribly. It isn't about us or how we truly think or feel. The Bible says that the heart is the most deceitful. So, we shouldn't 'follow our hearts' because they can lead us wrongly. Instead, we should be guiding our hearts in the Lord's direction. Where does He want me to go? What does He want me to be doing?

As the years have passed, Psalm 37 has become a favorite of mine. As I look at it now, and compare it to when I used to look back at it years ago, I can't help but to think how selfish and naive I was. "..and He shall give you the desires of your heart." Sad to say that back in the day I used to leap for joy at this verse. 'Oh wow, if I just love God..if I just obey Him, and do all He commands... He'll give me whatever I want!' Seriously? Seriously.

What selfishness, idiocy, stupidity. As I think upon this verse now, it has totally shifted in its meaning, and I thank my precious Savior for that one. It isn't about what I want. It isn't about what I truly deeply desire in MY heart. Me me me. This selfish self centered world cares about one thing: SELF. This verse clearly gives me the truth that, if I love the Lord with all my heart, serve Him, devote my all unto Him, obey His voice and do all things selflessly... the desires of my heart become HIS precious desires that He wants to plant in my life. Does that make sense? It isn't, 'Oh Lord I want a brand new car, so if I just love You, serve You, then You'll give it!' No... it's more like, 'My child, I have such precious plans for you. If you would just love me, serve me, devote your life unto me, I will reveal them unto you. The plans I have for you, the hopes and dreams I want for you...you'll begin to want.' Duh!

It isn't about what my flesh or emotions or heart want. It's more like...what are God's plans and desires for my life? I thank Him ever so much that they have become MY desires. So the verse truly rings clear and precise in my life. I love Him so incredibly much, that the desires, hopes, dreams and plans He has for me, have truly become my own desires and He has began to unravel them and guide me in the right direction.

More than a year ago, my heart began to grow immensely for the hearts of the lost. Not only did I go to church more than twice a week, but it was more than that. I so deeply yearned that I would eat, sleep, breathe, live the ministry and the love of Jesus. That it would overflow into me and out of me, poured out for others so that they could see the beauty, realness, and deep joy of knowing our Lord. I would stay up at night journaling my thoughts about Him. I would write the deepest most intricate desires of my heart about the ministry. What ministry? I'm not exactly sure. I'm still not 100% sure about 'which' ministry. That's not super important right now though. All I knew at the time, was that my hearts passion and deepest yearning had grown from self to the cross. Serving the Lord with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all my strength. And I truly meant that. I didn't want to be a 'hearer' only but a doer of the Word. Literally.

I tried hiding these emotions because I knew the affect they would have on my friends, my family. I tried reasoning with the Lord because I wasn't so sure that it was His precious will. 'Lord, I don't know. I mean seriously. I'm not all that great. I wouldn't want to go there just because it's pretty. I don't want to change majors just because this one is difficult. I don't want to do something completely different because I'd have to start all over.'

I was serious in reasoning with the Lord, but every time I tried reasoning, the more intense and convicted I felt about ministry. So, I continued to take it to the Lord. By the time seven or eight months rolled on by, it was as if I wanted to scream out loud on top of a mountain. I wasn't doing what I knew I should be doing. I wasn't the person I used to be. The joy, the achievement, the grace... it was all stripped out of my life. Doors began to close. Difficulties arose. Hardships grew. Depression and uncertainty never left. It was as if the 'love' I once had for what I wanted to do grew into the coldness and dissatisfaction. I knew my calling. I knew my destiny. I knew His will for me.

So, as the Summer came I was so glad, so free. Yet, I knew once August rolled around I would be miserable once again, only doing what I was doing to please others. The love for the ministry only grew. God continued to open doors for it and confirm it through people and circumstance. Yet, here I was, allowing fear and uncertainty to stand in my way.

It's incredible to me to think that through all that, through the hustle and bustle of the university life, through many failures, hardships, difficulties, and depression... God re-directed me. He turned the wheel completely around regardless of my disobedience. That right there, folks, shows you how merciful our God is. Through our sin and lack of obedience, His will STILL remains. Regardless. So you say I'm a firm believer in fate? Well I'm not sure. But I do know one thing. When God has plans for you, nothing stands in His way. He may be pursuing you, yet, you could careless. He may be directing you somewhere and you keep shoving it deep down and ignoring it. Well don't think it's going away because He's only going to bring it up more and more until you submit to His authority and obey His precious voice. He is so sovereign.

So here I am. I can't believe all He's done in and through me, and all He continues to do. Every time I sit and spend time with Him and reason with him, 'Lord, are you sure now? I mean, I can go back into what I was doing. I'm no one special...I'm less than ordinary, Lord. Are you sure You've chosen me?' He only responds with the simple truths, 'I have called you to ministry. I will lead you and guide you.' Ok, Lord. I believe You.

So, I won't lie. It's been an easy transition from there to here. God provided a job two weeks after I came home from school. The money comes in. He has opened doors for ministry opportunities here at my home church. He's given grace and mercy to me while learning to play the guitar. He has opened my eyes to sin and things that I needed to surrender and lay at His feet. He has done so much work in my heart to chisel away the parts that are unlovely. He continues to work in me for HIS good and HIS purpose alone. And every time I start to think, 'Are You sure, Lord? I'm just...me...' He always, and I mean always brings me His word in which is reminds me that yes. HE IS SURE! He has created me for His unique purpose (not my purpose, not the world's purpose, HIS unique purpose) and has set me apart...for ministry. Every time I stop and ask Him, 'Lord, are You sure California? Are You sure Bible College? I can just go somewhere close to home.' He continues to give me precise answers such as, 'I will lead you and guide you. Trust in the LORD with all your heart.' Ok, Lord. I believe You.

Never once in this whole journey have I felt like this was the wrong decision. I can't believe through my lack of obedience and all, He still chose to lead me and guide me in a specific way. Man, His plans must be far above my own! I can't even comprehend why or what He exactly has for me. And you know what...that's the exciting part. I don't want to know right now. I don't care to know. Trusting in Him has been the most beautiful, enjoyable, joyful experience of my entire life.

This life has meaning, purpose, joy, happiness. It's all because of Jesus. Yea, yea, yea, cliche. I don't care. It's the dead honest truth.

Last night as I was, again, reasoning with the Lord (I know seriously Ang, shutup already He knows what He's doing...) He again gave me confirmation of His perfect precious will for my life. You think I'd understand the first thirty times He explains it to me. Yet again, our God is a gracious merciful God. He knows we are human! He chose to say to me:
"He led them on safely. I traverse the way of righteousness, in the midst of the paths of justice. Behold, I send an Angel before you to keep you in the way and to bring you into the place which I have prepared. In all their affliction He was afflicted, and the Angel of His Presence saved them; in His love and in His pity He redeemed them; and He bore them and carried them all the days of old. They did not gain possession of the land by their own sword, nor did their own arm save them; but it was Your right hand, Your arm, and the light of Your countenance, because You have favored them. So You lead Your people, to make Yourself a glorious name. Lead me, O Lord, in Your righteousness because of my enemies; make Your way straight before my face. Oh, send out Your light and Your truth! Let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill and to Your tabernacle. Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy; and on the harp I will praise You, O God, my God."

the desert place

Anybody who has walked with the Lord for quite some years knows 'the desert place'. Most of the time, we dislike to be in it. I know for me, whenever I'm found in this place it's hard for me to be joyful, excited, it's hard to press on and act like normal. Why must we go through this?

I do know one thing. In my life, I have seen me come out of the desert place with more joy, victory, and love than I had before I was sitting in it. It's one of those miraculous things God does, isn't it? He allows us to go through a dry spell in order for us to cling to Him more, trust Him more, and love Him more. It's inevitable.

There are always those seasons in my life where I'm found in the desert. These times aren't easy, I'll admit. Whenever I find myself in this specific part of my walk, I often get aggravated, annoyed, curious, confused, lonely, desperate. Yet, I can't help but to think these are what the Lord wants me to feel. He allows me to go through this period to feel these things, in order for me to abound in Him more and more. It's beautiful.

Lately, I have been sitting in the desert place. I have found myself to be trusting in Him more with my fears, future plans, desires, and self. What a wonderful, majestic God I serve, that He would allow me to go through this season in order to grow me, love me, and guide me. I always rejoice in the desert place because I know that the Lord is doing some of His best work in and through me there.

At first, I'll admit, I'm sitting asking Him why He's allowing me to go through it..yet as I continue to cling to Him and earnestly seek Him in this place, He never fails to show me that it's because He's preparing me for something far greater than I can ever see. Simply incredible.

As followers of Jesus Christ, we are going to go through the desert place. It isn't because God has forsaken us, or because we have grown lazy and careless when it comes to our relationship with Him. It's simply because God wants us, He desires that we spend more time clinging to Him, trusting in Him, and allowing Him to purify our hearts for His greater purpose.

I have never once felt totally forsaken, barren, desolate in the desert place. He is so merciful to show me His faithfulness, mercy and love in these times...even when I don't even care about it, or seem to be lazy about it. God is God and He is victorious over all.

This season of going through my desert place, I have come to find that it is the most beautiful, incredible, remarkable place I could ever be in. It's because of this season that His hand is most sensitive to me, His words are most sweet to my taste, and His provision most clear to my soul. It is the desert place that I can come, sit at His feet and do nothing but pour out my sorrows, questions, fears, wonders....yet as we pour these out, all God hears is a beautiful melody. He is refining me, preparing me, doing His most precious work in and through me. What more could I ask for?

What would my relationship with Him be if I never walked through the desert place? Boring, uneventful, tedious. I would never grow, I would never be able to do the work He wants to do. If our relationship was perfect all the time, I would never need to cling to Him more and more. And I believe if it was perfect all the time, I wouldn't love Him as much as I do now. I praise God for the bumps, the dry spells and the loneliness I sometimes feel as I walk hand in hand with Him. Nothing compares to it.

May you be encouraged as you walk daily with our Jesus. May you come to realize that the desert place isn't the end of your relationship with Him, it isn't Him abandoning you for someone else...it is Him working His best work in and through you, purifying you, refining you to be all that He wants you to be. It is the Lord, doing His most precious work in you.

"Christians with the most spiritual depth are generally those who have been taken through the most intense and deeply anguishing fires of the soul. If you have been praying to know more of Christ, do not be surprised if He leads you through the desert or through a furnace of pain. Dear Lord, do not punish me by removing my cross from me. Instead, comfort me by leading me into submission to Your will and by causing me to love the cross. Give me only what will serve You best, and may it be used to rebeal the greatest of all Your mercies: bringing glory to Your name through me, according to Your will." A captives prayer: "Streams in the Desert" L.B. Cowman

everything

First and foremost, watch this clip.



Simply amazing. Now, if you've seen this before, then you know exactly what you were getting yourself into. Yet, when I first saw this, I was in the midst of my sin. I was walking in darkness rather in light, yet I knew there was something far greater than the rocky waters I was treading on. I knew that I was being called by the Lord to turn away from my sin. So, you can imagine me, watching this for the first time...simply crying and knowing that the girl in that skit, was me.

Yet, every single time I watch this video clip I still can't help but to cry. This time, I'm not crying out of conviction or out of knowing that I needed to turn away from my sin, but I cry because I am amazed, blessed, in awe of how the Lord has truly worked in my life these past three years and where He has brought me. I am amazed at His loving grace, mercy and forgiveness. Can you for one second just stop and imagine how the Lord must feel every minute of every day? His children sin against him every minute of every single day. We grieve the heart of God. Yet, do we care? Most of the time, no. Yet... we continue to do it. So, thinking upon that simple truth, it's incredible to me that He would so freely forgive us any minute we surrender and ask for it. It's always a huge reminder to forgive those around me when they mistreat me. If Jesus Christ can forgive my sins every moment of every day and still welcome me with open arms, then how can I not forgive someone, regardless of what they do to me? It's a constant reminder that I am temporary on this earth. Yet I am living for the eternal. Not for the here and now.

Wow. As I sat up in bed two nights ago pondering the Lord's work in my life, I couldn't help but to want to throw myself onto oncoming traffic. haha I know, not something you usually expect to hear right? Here's why. I have been so stupid, foolish, and pin headed. I have taken the Lord's forgiveness for granted so many times, how can He possibly choose me to lead His people into His presence? Why would He want to choose me to glorify Him and to bring others the good news? Seriously... I'm pitiful! And most of the time, I can't stand to look at me, or think about the state my heart is in. I sat on my bed in silence, for at least two hours, tears in my eyes, heavy heart, sinking feeling in my stomach, knowing that I had been sinning way more than I thought. It's so sweet how the Lord convicts us isn't it? Sure it doesn't feel that great in the moment. Yet, as His conviction and chastening comes, so does the peace, love, joy and beauty of His presence. It never fails. I have never truly known what it means to be fully broken before Him until the other night. It was so beautiful.

Watching this video continues to remind me that His forgiveness, open arms, love, and grace are in our midst every minute of every day. Yet, for those who walk with Him, we take it for granted. For those who don't know Him, they could care less. It's so sad. We are so comfortable and lazy in this life. I'm so guilty of this too. It's sickening to me sometimes the way I think and act. You'd think I would learn but I don't learn the easy way. I don't think a lot of us do. We continue to mingle on with our little lives and take for granted the breath we are given by God, with which we should be praying, sharing the good news, exposing the darkness and loving on others just as much as He loved us.

This video is such a testimony of my life. When I said I was that girl in the skit, I'm not lying. I walked with the Lord for a little while but then I fell into promiscuity. Drunkenness. Self harm. Depression. Greed. Self acceptance. I'm only being honest because I know, I taste, and I feel the Lord's forgiveness and mercy upon my life every moment of every day. For so long I was traumatized by those demons lurking about. God in His love tried with all His might to rope me in, to pull me back, and to call me home yet I was stubborn and disobedient. Many times I wanted to come back and I tried, believe me. Those demons still remained and they were keeping me in bondage. Then, one day, in full and total surrender God in His infinite majesty overcame and struck down the enemies.

I was set free. So now, as I ponder the life I lived, and look upon the life He has given me now, how can I not share with you the good news and pray for your salvation? Only He can give peace, joy, love and comfort. This world gets worse by the minute. Nothing is certain anymore. I could walk outside tomorrow and get killed. I could breathe my last breathe tonight, but you know something... I know where I'm going. Do you?

Jesus Christ willingly gave up His life so that He could become sin in place of us, so that we could have eternal life, free from bondage and full of peace and love and joy. Remarkable.

So, as you watch this clip, what are you thinking? I know that each time it comes back to me I continue to get teary eyed thanking my beloved Savior for all He has graciously done for me and through me.

The words don't come clearly to my mind to describe Him. I could never try to, either.