rejoicing.

Tonight, I am rejoicing with joy inexpressible. I can't comprehend it, I can't fully explain it, I can't even physically show enough of it all. My God is extremely sovereign, victorious, faithful and merciful. Tonight was one of those intimate moments with Jesus, just rejoicing, crying and thanking Him unconditionally for what He has done for me.

I have had a discouraged attitude, an attitude of self seeking desire, wondering why I was so selfish, not always willing to serve like I should. I kept praying prayers such as: "Lord, please, change my heart. I want, I yearn to be a servant..more than ever before. Why am I so selfish sometimes? Why is my flesh always in the way?" I became to understand tonight the reasons why. First off...I wasn't even fully sure I had been baptized with the Holy Spirit, so that's a whole different story. After I had formally prayed that prayer... the Lord began to reveal my eyes as to what my problem has been. I just love when He reveals my sin. It isn't always nice, or pretty to see...and most of the time I'm convicted beyond belief.

Yet, it was so precious as to what He showed me. For so long I had been so "SELF" focused, and not "others" focused. Sure I love people and my loved ones, I pray for them, but am I honestly the precious servant that the Lord wants me to be? To the fullest? I'm being honest when I say no.

For so long I have thought, 'how do I feel? how do I look? how do I come across to others?' me me me, I, I, I, blablablablabla ANNOYING!!!!!

Seriously, it's sickening. My sweet precious friend and her husband have been brought into my life for such a unique reason. The Lord used her to draw me back into His precious will. He led her to encourage me to surrender and give my life fully over to Him. Now, 2 years later, we are the best of friends. Her husband spoke at church tonight and made a good point: "If you sit and look at yourself in the mirror constantly, you're going to get sick of it!" HAHA so true! And for so long, that's been ME. Looking at myself in the mirror constantly, looking at 'self self self', wondering what do I need to make me feel better? What should I go do to make me happy? Wow..can you say sickening? Because let's get serious, I'm sick of myself.

So, as the Lord opened my eyes tonight I felt extremely convicted. I mean, this life isn't my own. I don't belong to this world and my citizenship is in heaven. So, who cares what I look like to others? Or what others think? The only thing I want to accomplish in this world until I go home to be with Jesus is that people have nothing awful or great to say about me other than: "She talked about Jesus a lot, it was kinda weird. All she did was say how much she loved Him and how much her life was dedicated to serving Him. Whatever." THAT is all I want people to remember me for. Do you think people know me like that now? Sad to say I'm sure not everyone does. Maybe most do.

Yet, that is the purpose of my life you guys. It SHOULD be the purpose of yours too. Not about how many relationships you can have, how beautiful you look, how tan you are, how skinny you are, how much money you make. I know I go over this quite a lot...but the Lord really allowed it to hit home with me tonight. If I would, for like...2 minutes get over mySELF and start thinking upon others, through the help of His Holy Spirit I can soooo be the servant and lover that I yearn to be..for Him and for others.

I don't want the words, 'me', 'I', or 'self' in my vocabulary anymore. I don't want to even THINK them. Oh, my prayer is that my heart and mind would constantly be praying and saying, 'what can I do for OTHERS today?' or, 'who needs encouragement today?' and honestly, I don't care if I get recognition, in fact, I wouldn't do ANY of these things if people were to thank me. I don't need thank you's, blessings, or smiles...all I need is the satisfaction of knowing that the Lord thinks that I am precious and honorable in His sight. That's all that matters.

So, as He revealed to me my sin, and how 'self' focused I had become, I began to cry out to the Lord that He would truly change my heart...major time. I want to wake up in the morning thinking upon Him of course..but thinking upon OTHERS. This life isn't about me. I was blessed and moved at what the Lord showed me through my daily devotional. Here's what tonight said:

"The dust will return to the earth as it was. The body is sown in corruption. It is sown in dishonor. It is sown in weakness. It is sown a natural body. The first man was of the earth, made of dust. Dust you are, and to dust you shall return. One dies in his full strength, being wholly at ease and secure. Another man dies in the bitterness of his soul, never having eaten with pleasure. They lie down alike in the dust, and worms cover them. My flesh. . .will rest in hope. After my skin is destroyed, this I know, that in my flesh I shall see GOD. The Lord Jesus Christ. . .will transform our lowly body that it may be conformed to His glorious body, according to the working by which He is able even to subdue all things to Himself. Lord, make me to know my end, and what is the measure of my days, that I may know how frail I am. So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."

[Eccles. 12:7; 1 Cor 15:42-44; 1 Cor 15:47; Gen 3:19; Job 21:23, 25-26; Ps. 16:9; Job 19:26; Phil 3:20-21; Ps 39:4; Ps 90:12]


So you see, you guys, the Lord has opened my eyes after months of wondering, questioning, being discouraged...but it's all because I was so worried about me and what I needed, what I wanted. When did I have time to think upon others? Or ask the Lord to fill me with His Spirit for strength? I love how when you read the Word, it's like He reveals new things each time you read the same passage over and over again. Is He incredible or what?

My God is sovereign. That's all I can really say. So, as I got finished with my precious time with Him, I began to fold some laundry..yea great stuff. Yet, I couldn't help but to SMILE and then, tears came falling down my face. I knew, that through all the oppression, the discouragement, the thoughts of loneliness, despair, curiosity, wonder... the Lord had been with me the entire time. He was waiting for HIS precious timing to reveal His complete purpose for it all. Honestly, it was at the most perfect time, too. I haven't had such a sweet overwhelming sense of joy and love for my God since last year. I feel this way every day, but it's once in a while that He truly does something to break down the walls of discouragement and reveal His precious plans to you. It may take time...but the waiting process is the best, because through it, He shows you His love, His patience and His goodness.

What could be better? I can't help but to tell satan what a low life he is. Yeah, satan, you can try to tempt me, trip me, oppress me, but I have a GOD who is Greater, Mightier, Higher than you'll ever be. You won't win, ever.

My GOD is awesome, powerful, sovereign, faithful, merciful. What can be better? It's one of those moments where I can honestly sit back and say that no matter what comes my way...what trials fall on me, what tribulations knock on my door...my GOD is victorious, and when you pray the prayer that He would help you overcome your obstacle...wait in silence, at His feet because deliverance will come. He never fails you.



"In Christ alone, my hope is found
He is my Light, my strength, my song.
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firmed through the fiercest drought and storm


What heights of love what depths of peace
When fears are still when strivings cease
My Comforter my all in all
Here in the love of Christ I stand.


There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious day
Up from the grave He rose again


And as He stands in victory
Sins curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ


No guilt in life no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny


No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
Till He returns, or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand."