Monday, December 28, 2009

Never Too Far.


It all started out about 33 years ago. There was a young man, barely into his 20's, moving from Sunny California to snowy, rainy, and often times dreary Chicago. There was a young girl, only in her teens, finishing up high school and living in Chicago all of her life. The two became next door neighbors and attraction quickly set in. As they met and became friends, they instantly fell in love, and in 3 months got married. The newlywed Catholic couple didn't really have a genuine purpose in life. One worked for a gas company and the other had yet to finish high school and decide whether or not to attend college. As a year went by, he became saved. God touched his heart in dramatic ways. His mom would send him Pastor Chuck's sermon tapes from Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa... and he would listen to them on his late night shifts to and from Texaco. As his love, passion and devotion grew for the Lord, his wife became angry and upset for "conforming" to Christianity. One night he told her, "Love... God has done GREAT things for me.... when I asked Him to enter my heart, I knew.. I just KNEW my life was changed, instantly.. His love can change you... He loves you, and desires you." That night, home alone, she knelt down on her knees, cried out to God and accepted Him as her Lord and Savior. Their lives were instantly changed.

As their marriage grew, their love for the Lord did as well. He began getting plugged into a church and leading Bible studies. His heart felt a tug by God to be more for Him than he expected or even wanted to be... stage fright had always kicked in and he didn't really know if what God had been calling him to do was what HE wanted to be doing. "Lord, how can I lead your people...every Sunday morning? I can't even get up on stage." As he begged and pleaded with the Lord, He continued to give this young man courage, and confirmation that this is what God had called him to. A phone call from his mother made it clear. One night she called and asked how things were going, him explaining to her that he had been leading Bible studies and began discussing some important things he learned when he attended Bible classes. Her response: "Son, you should really start a church... you would be a phenominal pastor." He then knew that the tug God had pulled on his heart wasn't a fad, and it wasn't just something temporary.

So from then on it began. He was leading Bible studies in his home, taping them, and sending them out to family in California. Family loved them... and as he continued leading Bible studies in his living room every Sunday night, God opened the door for a building, more people, and the peace to stand up in front of crowds to preach the good news. This man had now known everything God did in his life was for this specific purpose and calling.

The rest is history. 33 years later and my father and mother spent their entire marriage together serving, loving, and dedicating everything they breathed, ate, and slept to the Lord. Oh yea, they had three children too :) Me, Bob and Phil. As we grew up pastor's kids (PK's) it wasn't always easy. I don't think we all agreed that it was the life we had wanted... but in time, we found our own. I don't think I necessarily made Christ my OWN until I was about 19 years old. I don't believe I truly knew what it meant to walk with the Lord with all my heart, soul, and mind until I was about 20. God had everything in my life happen for a reason. I was a pastor's kid, but still did things MY OWN way. I didn't always follow the Christian rules, or the Bible, and there were more than a few times I had walked away. Sin, addiction, and heartbreak seemed to overflow my life. If you had seen me a year/two years ago, you would NEVER know I was a Christian. Boys were my ultimate obsession, and all the things that came along with an earthly relationship, NOT a Christian, God lead relationship. I would spend night after night questioning and wondering, "WHEN will I grow out of this? I want God so much... but I'm so far away from Him, how can He possibly love me? Or think of me? How can he possibly forgive me? This would be the what... 150th time He's forgiven me? No. He couldn't. And honestly, I'm too ashamed to run back. I've gone too far, and honestly, it's too late. Nothing I could do or say would keep me close to the Lord. Plus what will people think? They'll call me a hypocrite. They'll say to me that I'm just kidding myself... that its STUPID to walk with God... there IS NO God! Are you crazy?!" Yea... I knew what they would say.

I'm sure that's how many people feel once they've walked away from God. They feel like it's too late... that God can't possibly forgive them or accept them because of what they've done or attempted to do. Know this: God created you. So not only does He KNOW your entire life planned out from BEFORE conception to after death, He wrote your life story, your love story, and ALL in between before you were even born. So you think He doesn't know about your screw ups, mishaps, and wanderings? Sure it grieves God... but He knew about it. He isn't shocked. You shouldn't be shocked that He knows either. So, if Jesus died on the cross for these VERY reasons.... don't you think it's never too late to run back to God? The cross isn't temporary, it isn't something that was just for the sins IN the moment. I'm not justifying sin and I'm not saying it's ok to sin and then always ask for forgiveness because God will forgive.... that's taking advantage. Examine your heart if that's the case. What I am saying is that the cross is for everyday. Everyday we sin and fall short of the glory of God...but how blessed are we that we have such a merciful, forgiving, LOVING God that He knew all this... Christ died on the cross for us!!!! For our very sins. Our short comings. Our wandering off on paths we should never wander. God loves you so much... if ONLY YOU KNEW... if only you knew. He desires you... your life and all that's in it. He wants to bless you and show you how powerful His love is... if only you'll let Him. Just like my sweet adoring dad told my mom when they first got married... "Love... God loves you. and He loves me. He wants ALL of me... He can change your life... He's instantly changed mine. His love is everlasting. Give Him your life... He changed mine." My mom knew in her heart.... God tugged her heart that night, and she accepted Him into her life to be her all in all.

All I'm saying is this. You are NEVER, and I mean never ever too far away from God that you cannot run back. He's been sitting back waiting for you to! He loves you SO MUCH, and He has a beautiful plan sketched out for your life... if only you would let Him unfold it.

Two years ago, you would have met me and never known I was a Christian. You would never think "She loves God." because it clearly didn't show or was not evident in my life. I'm a pastors kid, but I screw up. In my early years I screwed up... A LOT. But God is good, He is faithful, He showed me through so many heartbreaks, addictions, obsessions, and sins, that regardless of it all, He wanted all of me.. and His love can't come second best to ANYTHING... it is the best, of all time. My life is changed. Forever. Through the heartaches now, through the good times, through the struggles, and the circumstances... God is all knowing, ever present, and has given me NO greater joy than I have now. I owe it all to Him! He is TRULY amazing :) My screw ups, my sins, the many many times I've walked away from Him, the heartbreaks, the hurt, the pain, all of it has not only brought me closer to the Lord, but He has used it for HIS glory.... ahhh who would have thought?! :) God, using all my sin, to glorify Him and to make me a stronger person?! Not only that... but He's used my sin to encourage others, and to show them that His love is perfect :) Only God would do that.... He is simply amazing.

It's never too late. You're never too far. Run to Him. He desires you. Always.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

seasons.


Being home for break has opened my eyes to many new experiences and perspectives on life. I know...not something you would expect in such a short amount of time. It's really made me see that God truly does EVERYTHING for His purpose and will. I've had to deal with failure, death, rejection, brokenness... but in all those emotions.. God has blanketed me with peace, joy and contentment. You wouldn't think that would be the emotions I would express and in fact, they weren't the first ten minutes of finding out news. There were a few instances where I cried, yelled, and asked God firmly, "WHAT are You doing God!??... come on!" I used to think that it was hypocritical to be angry with God... that it was wrong and we should never yell at Him or even wonder why He's doing what He's doing. I've come to realize and be okay with the fact that without even telling Him, God already KNOWS you're angry!!! Might as well confess it and ask Him to help you. That's what I had to do. But it wasn't just the fact that I was angry with God.. my heart was breaking BECAUSE I was angry with Him. I remember being in my room pleading with God, "I am so sorry... I never want to be angry with You!" but we're human. Sometimes, it's just human nature that we are angry with God. I've come to know that in hard times and horrible situations, God isn't doing these things TO US.... He's doing these things FOR US. There's a huge difference. I hate when people say, "Why did God do this to me? He has no idea what the heck is going on." God isn't doing things TO YOU, He's doing things because it is all in His plan for your life, so really, you benefit from it! You are going to be blessed and overjoyed later down the road because you trusted in Him to get you through it...and He will.

Yes, I have been mad at God, questioning His motives, and wondering WHY He's doing what He's doing but you know... every single time I yell, question, wonder, ask, cry..God gives me scripture in the Bible that always has to do with TRUSTING in Him. It alllllll comes back to trust. Sure, things in my life didn't play out exactly the way I wanted them to, but God did them FOR ME... to help me, to reassure me that He knows what He's doing. It is OKAY.

The passage of scripture at the top came from last night's Daily Light. As I was pleading with God, asking Him about my future, what He wanted, where He wanted to lead me, He gave me that passage... so perfect because I truly was saying, "What are you doing?! You sure You care?" God cares, always. And ya know... throughout these experiences and circumstances, I can only hope and pray it's all used for His glory.

He is beautiful :) And I have not felt greater joy, peace, love, and contentment than I do now.. in his difficult season. It's JUST a season. It will come and go. The Christian life is not easy. God never promised it would be perfect, but He promised it would be worth it.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

the meaning of Christmas.


I want to leave you with something that touched my heart. A few years ago me and my family went to go see the Radio City Rockettes downtown. Beautiful production! At the end of the show they had a live nativity scene and the narrator described baby Jesus in such a beautiful way. JESUS is the real reason for Christmas. Without His birth OR death on the cross, we would be nothing and hopeless... in this generation of lost, we would just blend in! May you fall more in love with Christ as each day approaches, and begin to ponder and rejoice at the coming of His birth this month :)

He was born in an obscure village, son of a peasant woman. He grew up in another obscure village, where he worked in a carpenters shop until he was 13. Then for three years he was an itinerant preacher. He never had a family or owned a home. He never set foot inside a big city. He never traveled 200 miles from the place he was born, never wrote a book or held an office. He did none of the things that usually accompanied greatness. While he was still a young man the tide of popular opinion turned against him, his friends deserted him, he was turned over to his enemies and went through the mockery of a trial. He was nailed to a cross between two thieves. While he was dying his executioners gambled for the only piece of property he had, his coat. When he was dead he was taken down and laid in a borrowed grave. 19 centuries have come and gone and today he is the central figure for much of the human race. All the armies that ever marched and all the navies that ever sailed and all the parliaments that ever sat and all the kings that ever reigned put together have not affected the life of man upon this earth this powerfully as this one solitary life.

Monday, December 14, 2009

settling.


Over the Summer I had the most remarkable dream of my life. It will never leave me, and it really was a turning point in my life. Ever since that dream I have had higher standards for relationships, men, and dating rules. Purity, morals, and beliefs were the three key important factors when it came for me to be patiently waiting for my husband. God used this dream in my life to remind me NOT to settle for anyone less than God's best for me. He also showed me that there was hope. He wasn't going to leave me dry and hopeless towards my future, but that trusting in Him would one day bring the ultimate blessing. If you're going through a situation where you are unsure what God's will is for you and your relationship, I pray that this ministers to your heart and encourages you. May you be blessed in Christ, and give Him ALL the pieces of your heart, the broken, the empty and the fulfilled. He will so bless you in the end :)

It was the most beautiful and perfect day... my wedding day. Everything was gorgeous. My dress was long, satin, and pierced white.. the whitest white I've ever seen in my entire life. The theme was pink and all my bridesmaids were ready to go in their pink dresses. The day was gorgeous and I was about 10 minutes away from being walked down the aisle by my daddy. Everything seemed perfect except one thing: the man I was marrying.

I knew in my heart and my mind that I was just settling if I were to marry this man. And even though the entire day was beautiful and everything was in place, I was miserable. My heart was out of place and my mind was anxiety stricken and worried. Clearly NOT something you want to feel on your wedding day! I remember the way he treated me, the way he acted, and the way I put up with a lot of things. I also remember little things that reminded me of how the relationship WOULDN'T work out. Thoughts raced through my mind that my parents had once told me... "If you marry this man, you'll be miserable the rest of your life." And that was the honest truth. I knew I would be miserable and I was walking down the aisle in 10 minutes KNOWING this!

I remember talking to him and telling him, "This is the day we are one. I love you more than anything in this world... and I would do ANYTHING for you..." he looked at me in the face... smiling.. but not saying anything back.. a clear sign that I cared for him more than he cared for me. Even though I knew this was a horrible mistake, I wasn't about to bail out on my wedding day. All that could race through my mind was the thought that he WASN'T the one I should be marrying. Yet, I didn't care... I was getting married. I had a beautiful white dress, gorgeous flowers, family and friends, and a beautiful day outside. I had 'My Day' to shine like a princess. Only... I wasn't happy. I was miserable.

It was time... and as my dad took me arm in arm, we started walking down the aisle. As the church doors opened fear, anxiety and knowing that I was making the biggest mistake.. crossed my mind. I was terrified.

As the doors opened, I woke up... thanking God that it was all a dream.

Who this person was I was to marry doesn't matter. All that matters is that, all my life, I have been told "Don't settle for anything LESS than God's best for you." Yet in the back of my mind I always knew, that I was. This type of mentality had always been the case with me. I was always settling for less than God's best for me. This dream was a huge wack in the face from God (In a GOOD way!) as He was reassuring me that if I were to marry him..I would be miserable, and I would be making the biggest mistake of my life. Sobering... but beautiful. I woke up thanking God it wasn't real and thanking Him for showing me that He has something incredible planned out for me.

It reassured me NOT to settle. Not to just go for anyone. It was the biggest blessing... probably the one dream in my ENTIRE life I will remember for the rest of my life.

Don't ever settle for LESS than God's best for your life. He has someone for you.... make sure He's in your relationship.. guiding it! And if you've waited your entire life... continue to be patient because God is going to bless you more than you could ever imagine He would.

Everything in that dream made sense to me, and in some way, everything clicked and connected to specific instances in my life.. it was absolutely beautiful. And if and when.. on that day.. I hope to be walking down the aisle with happiness.. joy... peace... and hopefully some tears as well :) Oh, and I hope to be wearing the same dress in my dream too! heh
e :)

Sunday, December 13, 2009

supporting our troops.




As I walked into church this morning, I never thought I would have such a change of heart as I did. Dealing with the stress of my schooling and grades had almost consumed me to the point where I was so anxiety stricken, it had to be the enemy. God never wants His people to feel that way.... Jeremiah 29:11 says that He KNOWS the thoughts He thinks towards you...thought of PEACE and not of evil... and it saddens His heart what His children are sad. Today my dad spoke on Ephesians 5. Putting on the whole armor of God to withstand the wiles of the devil and it's true. We need to block out Satan's thoughts with Gods word. It's the only way to survive in this world!

At the end of the service my best friend's dad came up to the podium and presented the most wonderful woman to our congregation. In April of 2004, her son Phil, went off to Iraq and put himself on the front lines for our country. He was killed and never to return. 9/11 was the turning point in Phil's life to make a commitment to his country and the people living in it, that he would defend, and keep our nation safe. His courage, bravery and generosity caused him his life, but helped save ours. As his mother was graciously speaking to our congregation I couldn't help but want to weep. She explained how the loss of Phil left her and her husband paralyzed to the point where she almost couldn't breathe. How sad is that? As I looked at her I couldn't help but to feel my heart sink into my stomach. As I go along every Christmas the thought of all our soldiers in Iraq come to my mind. It's awful. Some families won't be able to see their mothers, fathers, brothers or sisters this Christmas. Others are struggling with the death of their relatives because of the war. Either way, these men and women are on the front lines defending their country and trying to maintain freedom for all of us. Something so scary, yet they have all the courage and strength to do so. Phil's mom kept talking about how he is in heaven now, rejoicing with Jesus and that is the ONLY blessing her and her husband face. They know one day they will be reunited with their son face to face in eternity. How reassuring is THAT! Phil's mom is the walking, living, breathing testimony of a woman so in love with the Lord, that He has carried her through this experience. It doesn't mean she will ever be healed.... but it means that Jesus has a plan for her and her husband, and that He was ready to take Phil home to be with Him sooner than they wanted. As they trust in God, they find their strength, courage, and love only through their Savior. It was the most encouraging thing I had ever head in my entire life.

As I look back on my stresses and worries about my grades... I can't help but to think, wow.. really? I'm THAT worried about grades when mothers like Phil's are struggling with death? Struggling to keep their strength and composure? There are WAY MORE important things going on around the world to worry about and I think sometimes we take our many blessings for granted. This morning reminded me that, regardless of what my grades say, it is OK, because there are people facing a lot bigger and harder challenges in life. I am BLESSED and so are they. But at the end of it all, I'm in Jesus's arms.... He's carrying me through it all. He's got it under control!

This Christmas I want to honor all the men and women fighting oversees... and pray continually for my two best friends who are training to be shipped off to Iraq someday. My heart hurts for them because the day they leave I'm going to cry... but their courage, love, and service to our country is astounding. I love them so much for it. May God's children keep in prayer the many men and women who are oversees fighting this war.... pray for their safety, their families, and their souls.. that they may rely on the King!!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The LORD is in your midst...

There are many times in my life when I fear the unknown or fear what will happen "if" something does or does not happen. Why as Christians do we fear and become worried when we KNOW God has it all covered? I know that its normal to fear and be worried about what will be... but I have no reason to not trust God with my plans, hopes, desires, and future. Before my substance He saw me being yet unformed (Psalm 139) He knew everything about me before I was even conceived. What is there NOT to trust about Him? Every morning and evening I do a devotional called The Daily Light. It gives about 7 verses that go along with our walks with the Lord. Whoever has this little book knows what a treasure it is. Filled with promises, love, joy, and wisdom... it comforts my heart in the times when I need it and it convicts me in the desperate times when I cannot see the wretchedness in my own heart. God speaks so clearly through it every single day.

As I finished this semester my fears and worries triggered into my math class that is seriously impossible. And even though I don't know my overall grade, it freaked me out because I kept pondering the what ifs, and the realities of the class. I stopped trusting, believing, and knowing that God had it under control because I was too worried about the what ifs. I've realized that walking with the Lord is never easy. There are so many blessings and joys when walking with Christ, and the love that I receive is far more amazing than ANY love, but there are many hardships, tests, and fears that go along with trusting in Him. God uses those times to test us and to see whether or not we would be faithful to Him and KNOW that He has it all under control. Problems after problems came up the past 6 months and as I lay in bed one night it all dawned on me... it was all tests to see if I would trust in the Lord. I become impatient because I want to know things NOW and not wait. But how can God grow our hearts and minds more like Him if we always knew everything that would come our way? We can't skip over the learning experiences problems because God uses them to teach us so many things.

Today and last night I have been so burdened and sad over school and my grade. As I opened my Daily Light and read Psalm 46 I could help but to be OVERWHELMED with blessings from my King. May you, as well, be encouraged through His promises He sent us as His children....

"The Lord is in your midst. Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who are fearful-hearted, "Be strong, do not fear! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God; He will come and save you." The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart. I heard a loud voice from heaven, saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God himself will be with them and be their God." And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain."
{ Zephaniah 3:15, Isaiah 41:10, Isaiah 35:3-4, Zephaniah 3:17, Psalm 27:13, Revelation 21:3-4 }

Thursday, December 10, 2009

trust.

If there is one thing I asked the Lord to teach me in the beginning of the year, it was trust. I have fallen more in love with him each and every day since I've been away at school, but I have had many doubts, fears and anxieties. These all led me to think that maybe I don't trust Him enough like I should...so I prayed and asked Him to show me and teach me to trust in Him more.

God so did..in the most remarkable ways. There have been many hardships, discouragements, failures, hurts, worries, fears, stress, anxieties, and impatience...but through every single one of those feelings circumstances and emotions, God spoke to me and reminded me, "you wanted Me to teach you trust...right? And look where I've brought you, Ang. I've brought you through them all, victoriously."

Our God reigns. He is SO MIGHTY. And as I pondered whether or not I was cut out for a University and living away from home...He answered that prayer. Through a beautiful church, with incredible fellowship, with new amazing friends, with strength to finish the semester, with blessings upon blessings. Each and every day I ponder what a great and miraculous God we serve. It amazes me at how He loves me...oh, how He loves us!

"For You, LORD have made me glad through Your work; I will triumph in the works of Your hands." { Psalm 92:4 }