preparation stages.

Oh, how the Lord is so good to be guiding me all along His way. When I was back at Illinois State, I was going through a time of really praying about where the Lord had wanted me to go with my life. Ministry had now become the prime area I wanted to be a part in, but I was still unsure what He was doing. I knew that my heart had changed. I knew that I didn't just want to be a part of a Wednesday night Bible study, or go to a Sunday morning church service. I didn't just want to love on others, or share the love of Christ with my friends. No...I wanted to do so much more. It was unusual (in a good way!)

As I was at school the Lord really spoke to me a lot through 1 Peter 2. The first verse He gave me while away was 1 Peter 2: 9 and it says:

"But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light."

It was true that He had taken me out of a life of darkness and despair, to a life of joy, and comfort. He had taken me out of the filth and wretchedness to a life of purity. I was spotless in Him. I AM spotless in Him. Only by His grace. I knew that I was chosen. I already told you, but I knew three years ago at a conference in California, that He had chosen me for something far greater than I could ever imagine. I wasn't sure (and I'm still not) what exactly that is...but that's ok.

I knew from then on I was born to be unusual, different, weird I guess you could say! I wasn't like everyone else... I had a higher calling and purpose on my life that the Lord wanted to take me through. This verse continued to confirm that. I knew that in my generation, being chosen was not easy. With all that surrounds me and all the things of the world. It's not easy standing out in a crowd of people going against everything they stand for. But you know what, who cares? I'm not here to please them, I'm only here to bring glory to God. That's what my life's all about.

As I was called into ministry, the Lord kept continuing to confirm it through His word. Just the other night I sat down with my parents and talked about future plans. Going to Bible College in January is probably the most exciting thing, ever! I am thrilled! Yet I still worry that I won't be used there for ministry, or that I'll go and come out and end up stuck somewhere I'm not liking. The usual lame stuff. I know the Lord has called me into a lifestyle of simplicity. More than ever before. It's crazy.

So, what does He have? We talked about missions, about worship. Yet, I continue to firmly believe that it's not about 'what' ministry, it's about ministry..period. Wherever the Lord places me, it's a ministry. Look at my job. I am there, amongst a bunch of people who don't believe the truth. So obviously I share the good news with them, I show them what I'm about. I love on the precious children that are dropped off for most of the day, sometimes 12 hours a day. (sad) This is my ministry! For this season! Maybe God has me at Bible College to minister and encourage one young woman. Maybe she completely fell off the deep end, and the Lord wants to use me to share my life's struggles with her so she can be encouraged. Who knows? I just know that wherever I'm at, He uses me, and He continues to provide all the boldness I need.

I can't help but to think that I'm called for something big, and to be honest, it scares me a little. I am not the most eloquent if you haven't noticed. I don't like public speaking, can't stand conflict, and when it comes to voicing my own opinions, I'll be honest.. I often don't. I fear rejection, I fear people laughing at me, criticizing me, or talking behind my back. I am NOT the ideal person to be called into a lifetime of ministry! But it's so true...God uses the foolish of this world, doesn't He? (1 Corinthians 1:27) That's me. And that's where my fears come in.

As I was in bed the other night praying and spending time with the Lord, this whole topic came into my mind. This time I wasn't doubting my calling...but I was curious, I was worried that I wouldn't be fit for the ministry. The boldness in my heart isn't really there, and it aggravates me. I am not super strong when it comes to speaking out, verbally, my opinions and beliefs. So I was praying that the Lord would give me boldness, strength, courage to share the good news with those around me.

A week after the Lord gave me 1 Peter 2:9 at Illinois State, He gave me the other part of that chapter. It goes like this:

"Coming to Him as to a living stone, rejected indeed by men, but chosen by God and precious, you also, as living stones are being built up a spiritual house, a holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 2:4-5

That really hit home to me, too. I knew then that the world was going to reject me the rest of my life and that it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was chosen by God. I was called to a purpose far greater than the eyes of the world could see, and I will do anything to fulfill that purpose.

So, a few days back, when I was contemplating the ministry and all that the Lord had for me, He reminded me of this verse. And as the fears continued in my mind, He continued to put this verse on my heart. He put it in my daily devotional, on the scripture of the day, and other places so it was clearly apparent to me! Isn't He awesome?

As I prayed for boldness and confidence in proclaiming the good news of Christ, He reminded me that I was "being built up a spiritual house". It's all preparation. I couldn't help but cry. It was as if He was reminding me, "Beloved, I am preparing you. You're not going to have it all together, and you are going to sometimes fail at it...but it's all preparation for greater things I have in store for you." It was as if He was reminding me that He was continuing to do a work inside me that was far greater than I could see. So I was honest with the Lord, telling Him that I was fearful but that I didn't care what it was He had for me. I will walk in His path and His light to wherever it takes me. Whether that's across the world, in my home, or in a different state. My purpose in this life is to live it out LOUD for Jesus. I am no one special, I am nothing awesome. I can't do anything apart from Him and so I refuse to live my life for 'self'. Self only destroys you. Jesus restores you.

So I am exceedingly blessed by the work He's doing in my heart. I can't thank Him enough for allowing me to stay home this semester so He can prepare, work, mold, and shape my heart into a woman He wants me to be. Oh, how I desire to be made into the image of Him! More and more each day.

Just as Casting Crowns sings...."All this life could offer me cannot compare to You, and I count it all as loss, compared to knowing You."

So true!