the road less traveled.

I don't think I need anymore proof that where I am right now is where God definitely has me. I'm not saying that I ever had reasonable doubts about leaving ISU, in fact, I never truly doubted me leaving..it's just, well, was I so sure that it was what God wanted? Or, was it because I had put thoughts into my mind so often, that what I truly wanted, coincided with what God wanted and, I made the decision based on my own feelings and emotions, rather than His. When things like that happen, more than likely they end up horribly. It isn't about us or how we truly think or feel. The Bible says that the heart is the most deceitful. So, we shouldn't 'follow our hearts' because they can lead us wrongly. Instead, we should be guiding our hearts in the Lord's direction. Where does He want me to go? What does He want me to be doing?

As the years have passed, Psalm 37 has become a favorite of mine. As I look at it now, and compare it to when I used to look back at it years ago, I can't help but to think how selfish and naive I was. "..and He shall give you the desires of your heart." Sad to say that back in the day I used to leap for joy at this verse. 'Oh wow, if I just love God..if I just obey Him, and do all He commands... He'll give me whatever I want!' Seriously? Seriously.

What selfishness, idiocy, stupidity. As I think upon this verse now, it has totally shifted in its meaning, and I thank my precious Savior for that one. It isn't about what I want. It isn't about what I truly deeply desire in MY heart. Me me me. This selfish self centered world cares about one thing: SELF. This verse clearly gives me the truth that, if I love the Lord with all my heart, serve Him, devote my all unto Him, obey His voice and do all things selflessly... the desires of my heart become HIS precious desires that He wants to plant in my life. Does that make sense? It isn't, 'Oh Lord I want a brand new car, so if I just love You, serve You, then You'll give it!' No... it's more like, 'My child, I have such precious plans for you. If you would just love me, serve me, devote your life unto me, I will reveal them unto you. The plans I have for you, the hopes and dreams I want for you...you'll begin to want.' Duh!

It isn't about what my flesh or emotions or heart want. It's more like...what are God's plans and desires for my life? I thank Him ever so much that they have become MY desires. So the verse truly rings clear and precise in my life. I love Him so incredibly much, that the desires, hopes, dreams and plans He has for me, have truly become my own desires and He has began to unravel them and guide me in the right direction.

More than a year ago, my heart began to grow immensely for the hearts of the lost. Not only did I go to church more than twice a week, but it was more than that. I so deeply yearned that I would eat, sleep, breathe, live the ministry and the love of Jesus. That it would overflow into me and out of me, poured out for others so that they could see the beauty, realness, and deep joy of knowing our Lord. I would stay up at night journaling my thoughts about Him. I would write the deepest most intricate desires of my heart about the ministry. What ministry? I'm not exactly sure. I'm still not 100% sure about 'which' ministry. That's not super important right now though. All I knew at the time, was that my hearts passion and deepest yearning had grown from self to the cross. Serving the Lord with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all my strength. And I truly meant that. I didn't want to be a 'hearer' only but a doer of the Word. Literally.

I tried hiding these emotions because I knew the affect they would have on my friends, my family. I tried reasoning with the Lord because I wasn't so sure that it was His precious will. 'Lord, I don't know. I mean seriously. I'm not all that great. I wouldn't want to go there just because it's pretty. I don't want to change majors just because this one is difficult. I don't want to do something completely different because I'd have to start all over.'

I was serious in reasoning with the Lord, but every time I tried reasoning, the more intense and convicted I felt about ministry. So, I continued to take it to the Lord. By the time seven or eight months rolled on by, it was as if I wanted to scream out loud on top of a mountain. I wasn't doing what I knew I should be doing. I wasn't the person I used to be. The joy, the achievement, the grace... it was all stripped out of my life. Doors began to close. Difficulties arose. Hardships grew. Depression and uncertainty never left. It was as if the 'love' I once had for what I wanted to do grew into the coldness and dissatisfaction. I knew my calling. I knew my destiny. I knew His will for me.

So, as the Summer came I was so glad, so free. Yet, I knew once August rolled around I would be miserable once again, only doing what I was doing to please others. The love for the ministry only grew. God continued to open doors for it and confirm it through people and circumstance. Yet, here I was, allowing fear and uncertainty to stand in my way.

It's incredible to me to think that through all that, through the hustle and bustle of the university life, through many failures, hardships, difficulties, and depression... God re-directed me. He turned the wheel completely around regardless of my disobedience. That right there, folks, shows you how merciful our God is. Through our sin and lack of obedience, His will STILL remains. Regardless. So you say I'm a firm believer in fate? Well I'm not sure. But I do know one thing. When God has plans for you, nothing stands in His way. He may be pursuing you, yet, you could careless. He may be directing you somewhere and you keep shoving it deep down and ignoring it. Well don't think it's going away because He's only going to bring it up more and more until you submit to His authority and obey His precious voice. He is so sovereign.

So here I am. I can't believe all He's done in and through me, and all He continues to do. Every time I sit and spend time with Him and reason with him, 'Lord, are you sure now? I mean, I can go back into what I was doing. I'm no one special...I'm less than ordinary, Lord. Are you sure You've chosen me?' He only responds with the simple truths, 'I have called you to ministry. I will lead you and guide you.' Ok, Lord. I believe You.

So, I won't lie. It's been an easy transition from there to here. God provided a job two weeks after I came home from school. The money comes in. He has opened doors for ministry opportunities here at my home church. He's given grace and mercy to me while learning to play the guitar. He has opened my eyes to sin and things that I needed to surrender and lay at His feet. He has done so much work in my heart to chisel away the parts that are unlovely. He continues to work in me for HIS good and HIS purpose alone. And every time I start to think, 'Are You sure, Lord? I'm just...me...' He always, and I mean always brings me His word in which is reminds me that yes. HE IS SURE! He has created me for His unique purpose (not my purpose, not the world's purpose, HIS unique purpose) and has set me apart...for ministry. Every time I stop and ask Him, 'Lord, are You sure California? Are You sure Bible College? I can just go somewhere close to home.' He continues to give me precise answers such as, 'I will lead you and guide you. Trust in the LORD with all your heart.' Ok, Lord. I believe You.

Never once in this whole journey have I felt like this was the wrong decision. I can't believe through my lack of obedience and all, He still chose to lead me and guide me in a specific way. Man, His plans must be far above my own! I can't even comprehend why or what He exactly has for me. And you know what...that's the exciting part. I don't want to know right now. I don't care to know. Trusting in Him has been the most beautiful, enjoyable, joyful experience of my entire life.

This life has meaning, purpose, joy, happiness. It's all because of Jesus. Yea, yea, yea, cliche. I don't care. It's the dead honest truth.

Last night as I was, again, reasoning with the Lord (I know seriously Ang, shutup already He knows what He's doing...) He again gave me confirmation of His perfect precious will for my life. You think I'd understand the first thirty times He explains it to me. Yet again, our God is a gracious merciful God. He knows we are human! He chose to say to me:
"He led them on safely. I traverse the way of righteousness, in the midst of the paths of justice. Behold, I send an Angel before you to keep you in the way and to bring you into the place which I have prepared. In all their affliction He was afflicted, and the Angel of His Presence saved them; in His love and in His pity He redeemed them; and He bore them and carried them all the days of old. They did not gain possession of the land by their own sword, nor did their own arm save them; but it was Your right hand, Your arm, and the light of Your countenance, because You have favored them. So You lead Your people, to make Yourself a glorious name. Lead me, O Lord, in Your righteousness because of my enemies; make Your way straight before my face. Oh, send out Your light and Your truth! Let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill and to Your tabernacle. Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy; and on the harp I will praise You, O God, my God."