unknown.

These past few months have been tests, and growing experiences that the Lord has tried to show me. Through the struggles with school and circumstances, God has continually proven things to me that I didn't notice before. My fear of failing classes got me so anxiety stricken that I contemplated dropping my major...but God had other plans. I thought, "Oh but Lord, if i could just switch to THIS major, things would be ok, and I could work in a Crisis Pregnancy center, or be helping people...or get a degree in Child Development!" I was so sure of myself. But God said, "No... persevere. Yes you've failed before... do you not trust Me? Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage.... I know your desires... trust that I will fulfill them." Three days later an opportunity for a position at the Crisis Pregnancy Center opened just for me. Coincidence? I think not... so God. And school? I had a peace about my classes. A joy, and a trust in the Lord that was renewed, refreshed and growing each and every day. Is our God awesome or what? I still don't know where the Lord is leading me after school. I know what I desire to be doing. My heart has been so burdened for people. I just wanna reach out to people for Christ. I want to LOVE people like Christ loved me. I want to bring people to know Him... because there is no greater joy. I truly believe God has called me to this. Is it easy? No way. There are issues... but God continually shows His love through these situations. He uses me in ways I never thought possible. He has chosen me to lead worship at a Pastors Conference.... why? I have no idea. I'm so unworthy... yet I guess it's true that He chooses the FOOLISH things of the world to put to shame the wise... haha. And YES I am mighty foolish... but isn't God so awesome? I think so.

My past has made me believe that I am the most impure being on the face of the earth. I know that isn't God speaking....it's satan. I used to feel ashamed, unworthy, useless and hopeless of ever becoming a pure and holy person in the face of God. So what has He commanded me to do? Speak on purity. Why me? I used to be so lack in this area of my life. I find myself crying out before Him, "Lord why? Don't you know my past?" hahaha silly question. He answers me with, "Yes, child, don't you know I allowed you to go through that path in order for you to come out refined and renewed... new and willing to be a living breathing testimony to girls who are impure. Share your story of how I delivered you...and how our relationship has grown more and more." Weird huh? No.... God is just amazing like that.

I guess you could say my entire life has been one just roller coaster ride. But it's funny because I don't think that's how God looks at it. I'm sure He was looking at me sometimes and saying, "Oh no... I guess I'll have to teach her the hard way.." and so He did... but that's my fault. But once again, I wouldn't regret anything in my life for a minute. Why? God has used every single circumstance in my life to shape me, mold me, and provide for me in every area of my life. I feel Him pruning and putting together every intricate detail of my heart so that I can become the woman He's created me to be. I am loving every single minute of it. And even though I am not HAPPY for the sin I used to be apart of (and sometimes still am today!) He is merciful and gracious...full of compassion. He remembers my frame and knows I am dust. He has a beautiful plan for my life.... one I cannot simply see right now 100%, but am trusting that it is something that I need to lay and surrender unto Him.

So yes, sometimes I sit and wonder, "What are you doin, God?" And even though it's never a sure fire answer right away.... through the pain and circumstances, He has shown me WHY He's doing what He's doing. He brings me from wanting to drop out of classes to putting me into a Crisis Pregnancy Ministry WHILE giving me the dedication to my classes. So neat. He draws me out of a lifestyle of impurity and relationships into a woman who chooses purity and desires to reach out to teenagers who are going through the same. He has taken a jerky, selfish, gossip-girl and turned her heart into a girl who desires people. One who has a heart for reaching out to people and LOVING people with the love Christ has loved me with. So, I can already begin to see the plan He's laid out for me. One so beautiful and incredible I don't think I could map it out myself. It wouldn't look as good as He has written it out to be. It's not gonna be easy walking through this path all the time. But God has promised to hold my hand...guiding and leading me through it all. He CAN do it. And I truly believe He is testing me to prove whether or not I put all my trust into Him... 150%.

So no, I don't exactly know what His plan is for my life...what I should be doing tomorrow, next week, or even next year. But I know that walking hand in hand with Him is the most beautiful place to be. There is NOTHING safer, than being in the center of God's will... even when it's unknown.

Trust Him.

"Because You have been my help; Therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice. My soul follows close behind You. Your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:7-8